Since school started, things with me have been extra rough, and I know it affects Stephen. Unforunately for the both of us, hes more the strong silent type, so I can only guess at what he's going through. The past few weeks, for many reasons, have really been overwhelming, and he's the only real friend I have to talk it out with. We bicker, we get frustrated, we are tired. Its those days where I just need a bath and somene to talk to that it can really hurt the most- to want to need him less, because he has bad days too. How can I ask him to climb the stairs when he's had a long day too, and now I'm cranky? I am trying to learn to adapt to my varying energy levels, but honestly, there just isn't enough for school and homework and my emotions. I'm so drained, emotionally and physically that I need help doing the simplest things, like doing the laundry or cooking dinner. I know he's angry about all the things that have changed since my diagnosis, because it just comes with the territory. You have to get angry when you realize how little it is truly possible to control your own life. Everybody deals with that sometimes. But I feel like that every day, and I feel like nobody understands how joyless life has become for me. Right now, I should be doing homework for school, it is finals soon after all, but I don't have the physical strength to focus or even walk accross the apartment to get things set up to work. Balancing my laptop while I write this takes energy. I've been trying to talk with stephen about it, about why he is angry, and I just feel helpless. I can't just stop needing him, I can't just be less tired, I feel like he's dealing with the same frustrations I am, and we're both blaming me. I know he doesn't mean to do it, and he tells me how hard he tries not to take it out on me, but it happens. I'm already feeling overwhelmed, overworked, exhausted, frightened, and angry myself. I can't work out my own issues, let alone his. I just take, take, take, because I need so much. I just can't give anything back. I have tried planning special dates, to do something he really wants to do, and he isn't interested, nor does he have even the faintest clue of what activity that might be. It really makes me think that I don't know him that well, even after all we've been through.

Tonight, I'm feeling pretty lonely. Stephen can't deal with me today, even though the first thing I want to do when I notice him push me away is to run right towards him. He doesn't like it when I do that. And I feel sad. I was going to talk to my friend chad, but he hasn't returned my calls. He usually helps on days like this, when stephen can't be there. Oh, well, I hope he calls me back soon. 

Krista