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Oh, what a month

So I decided that I couldn't handle things the way they had been going. I spent many nights last semester reading and re-reading the posts on apalastic anemia websites, pleading for someone to understand all that I've been going through. There had to be somebody my age who is going through this too! School and family and boyfriend and doctor and fears about the future. I think when I first found out about the disease, they wanted me to take it seriously, so they instilled in me the significance of living with an abnormal immune system. Don't go out when its icy, you could fall, cause internal bleeding, and pass out. I have fears of slipping in the bathtub. Once I had a heavy period and they called me into the office so fast I thought I was going to be admitted to a hospital. I had to take my temperature every few hours, just to be sure I wasn't fighting an infection. And now, suddenly, my symptoms aren't regarded with the same kind of immiediacy, and I don't know whether to feel releived or ignored. I feel like things weren't explained to me, or that I just don't understand why I was made to feel so afraid of my body in the beginning, and suddenly everything is alright again, even though they don't feel normal to me. I'm starting to get the impression that my health is not expected to be normal, that this is the best that I can hope for, and we are simply waiting and hoping for the future, which is anybody's guess.

I tried therapy, and I have comcluded that not only am I not crazy, but I am handling things really well. But this is only the beginng of my fear. I am also afraid to be alone. I had so many problems with Stephen the last few months, I decided that he was contributing more to my stress than relieving it, so I broke p with him this past week. It's been hard because I disconnected from him some time ago, and I know he noticed, but the connection for him was not lost. I just couldn't bring myself to try anymore, and I broke his heart. I live with this guilt every evening.

The thing that finally allowed myself to let go of him is Ellie. She is a 28 lb dachsund/spanel mix and she is so pretty and cute. We've been getting to know each other this past week or so. I know she can't replace a human, but she sure keeps me company. I live for her wagging tail.

Today was my first day of class. I attempted to start my homework, and the darn computer program wouldn't open. I didn't want to have to rush it, it will take me several hours to finish it, but now I'll have to stay late tomorrow at school. I started thinking of Stephen, and I lost my nerve and called him. I just feel so lonely again, and I haven't propery cried over him yet. And I have this horrible cold that has left me with a sore nose. Ellie is sighing on the bed next to me, I think she ate something that disagreed with her, as she has been making gagging noises all night. Oh, grant me the strength to not let this get to me. I have spent so much time focusing on school I don't know what else is important anymore. And I miss my mom.