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I'm SO done with all of this crap!!!

I know. Depressing title. But, here is the good news: It ends happily. Yes, I am happy. And it seems somehow really too ridiculous when I mention all that has happened. That I could be happy after all of this incredibly abrupt change, or that so many things really have changed. I can't really say it was because I discussed it in therapy, though I think I just saw myself complaining too much about things I actually could change. So, for a moment, let's revisit the depressing part of my life so that the best parts can be emphasized appropriately. Ahh, the not so distant past:

2007:

-crappy boyfriend named Stephen. What was I thinking, anyway? I was thinking that being with him was better than being alone, classic girl mistake. I have known this for quite some time, but was in denial aboout how much of our relationship was based on this. I recalled how we hadn't been getting along, well, ever. And it hit me- when was the last time I was happy with him? The summer? I was happy, yes, but despite him, not because of him.

-too tired to hang out with my friends so much of the time because the aforementioned boyfriend demanded so much time and energy. All I wanted was some fun in my life! I wanted to hang out and forget about everything, but instead I found I just couldn't get rid of the stress or pressure of my life. I was miserable, depressed, bitter. I treated everyone badly because I was so angry about the world. Bitter about being sick, about not being able to keep up, about stephen sucking my energy, about nobody being able to help me. I felt so isolated. I tried the message boards I found about bone marrow failure diseases for awhile, trying to find answers. All I truly needed was a friend. I was just desperate for life to hit me again.

Stephen? I decided that no further thought was necessary. I dumped him the beginning of January, after much inner guilt that I had gotten myself there in the first place. But, first, I had to secure that I wouldn't feel lonely: so I got a doggie from the shelter who needed me to care for her more than anything. And I named her Ellie. And my therapist, my friends, even my mom, approved. I am a doggie Mom! So much better than a boy!! She is always happy to see me, and walks at 6am are oddly not so bad when she is just sooo happy to go outside, even if its 10 degrees. I do get a little miffed when its really windy, but, well, one can't have everything! It is 3 am right now, and she is laying at my feet, napping until I interrupt her sleep for a good cuddle and belly rub. And she makes all of these fantastic little grunting noises, too. Oh Ellie! My one true love!

Stress? I started seeing a therapist and taking antidepressants, which I stopped because I realized how silly it was. After I dumped Stephen and had Ellie to focus on, I stopped feeling so deperate and needy for humor and fun. Its not that she's especially hilarious, I just got used to her attachment to me and how cute it was. She's basically afraid of everyone except me, dogs included. But she is so sweet to me, I know that it would be so wonderful if I could get her to accept some people. And Ellie tells me how upsetting it is to her when she gets passed up for greater social activities. She won't eat, or she gets a bit constipated, or she doesn't want to run around a lot. She just has anxious days, and she needs reasurance, something I definetly understand. The recipe is simple: I am needed, so I am happy. Plus, I stopped eating junk food and started getting more veggies in my diet, and slowly went back to developing a social life, and realized the bitterness I had towards my friends went away, it was just my crappy attitude. And they all took me back, not a word was said otherwise. I think my health is better, or maybe I just think it is because I've also tried to contain my worries about it.

Okay, so not everything was solved. It took me awhile to bond with the doggie and she was a priority for a couple of weeks. But then, I started hanging out again with my friends. So, to prevent confusion, is a short list of my friends and their importance:

Ruth: My best girl friend. Great when I have boy complaints or want to talk about my latest test results, or need a friend to borrow clothes from or to help me dye my hair. She often calls me with her boy troubles or needs me to help her out of life's little inconveniences. To say that she is man crazy is like saying that Britney Spears has relationship issues. A lot of Ruth's life would be great info for celebrity rags, only without the exclusive clubs and gold jewelry. I know this about Ruth, and I accept that in order to have a great friend, you have to get over all the stuff that you don't see eye to eye on, and I thank her for teaching me that everyday.

Phil: Oh Phil. He is your stereotypical "nice" guy. He is a great friend, always there when I need him, whether its homework help, or that I somehow messed up my computer again, or complaining about my mom. I really don't know what I would do without Phil, he's such an integral part of my social network. We hang out and watch movies and I can't help but think that I am torturing the poor guy because he has a crush on me. But, I like to think I am giving him a good education on the female mind, for that day when he breaks out of his nice guy shell.

Mackenzie: I think people who don't know her that well don't like her because she is such an overachiever. And sometimes it does get to me. But she is a really great person beyond that, willing to look past my whininess, and her family life is even more ridiculous than mine- there's always a "Oh, you think that's bad? I have a cousin with 3 diffrent colored babies!!" kind of conversation going on when I bring up tails of my brother and his estranged wife. No, everybody, the baby isn't his. I used to be mad at her, when things weren't going so great for me, but she is so much better than all of that.

Matt: I met Matt at a party about a year ago, at the beginning of the semester, as Ruth's latest boy. Stephen and I liked hanging out with him, so we double dated until they broke up in August. Matt is from Pittsburgh, like me, so we always had some little in-conversation about the things we found strange about Columbus. It actually made me want to attempt driving in downtown Pittsburgh again. When he and Ruth broke up, it was akward for awhile because of the circumstances, and Stephen lost some of his affection for Ruth. I hated having to choose between my friends, because Matt is so great for distracting me from school because we don't run in exactly the same circles, though I do know a lot of his friends. So, we all just agreed not to hang out with both of them at the same time.

Sage: Matt's current roommate and best friend, who I've actually known longer than Matt. Sage and I had a class together, as well as a group project. We had to work on it while I was in the hospital, so my group had to come to my bedside to finish the project. Sage loves beer a bit too much for his own good, and is often the life of the party. He and Matt get themselves into some pretty funny situations.

Camille: I've known Camille since I was a freshman, and this is his last semester. I am really going to miss him. He's always been there for me, and shook his head at me for all the crazy things that happen to me. Oh, Camille, what will I do without you?

Anna: Anna is the flakiest girl you'll ever meet. But she is so pretty and so funny that I have to forgive her for it. When I do get to see her, she absolutely brightens my day. Come spring time, I am dragging her to my apartment for beers and swimming!!

More on what happened after that later...