before leaving my school campus for the summer, i was eager to bounce and not look back. i finished all my final exams in a hurry, and the only thing that i could think of was to get out, get out, get the F out.

i took a personal vacation, and like i said in my first post (titled "a generalization") i was going to reinvent myself.

i did.

lets see, upon leaving, i was emotionally unstable, maybe somewhat bitter, and in deep deep deep regret. i hated the way i had handled things and i hated the way i was dealing w/ everything.

okay, i must admit. im slightly cold hearted by nature. i guess im just not very warm and fuzzy--or even remotely inviting in some incidences. i find that some people find it hard to approach me. its not that im being mean bc i hate u...its just the way i am. of course, i think if u got to know me maybe a different picture would be painted, yes? ive been told im like block of ice. i rarely cry, and if i do...its bc im very upset. i just cant be sympathetic, and i run on a short fuse; i get irritated easily. ive always thought that i was a nice person. however, double cross me or rub me the wrong way...and im bitch w/ claws and horns. in my defense though, isnt everyone kinda like that?

i learned a lot. im happy w/ what i learned, and how i have changed myself for the better.

the past is the past and i am in the present. whining and pining over the events of the past wont change a damn thing, except for make me feel more miserable. i also learned that there are so many different kinds of people out there. in the past, if i didnt like someone or i was irritated w/ them, i would just ignore them and all of a sudden i would be so much better. over the summer while working, i discovered that u cant work w/ those u like all the time. this was hard for me, typically bc im not good at hiding my facial expressions of disgust, annoyance, or my classic look (usually followed by a deep silence): you're a dumbass. there were many times i had to plaster a smile on my face, look into their eyes, and say something that sounded nice and cheery. ugh.

i hate being forced to be nice or polite. i think its a human ability we all possess.

currently im working on being more compassionate. umm...im trying.

i tried to learn the art of patience, but in the end i decided that i will always continue to try. LOL.

though im basking in the glory of the bittersweet success in my self reinvention, i will still hold the events of the past in my heart. i am a new person, stronger than before. i didnt earn the name "mighty mouse" bc i sat around and cried at every little thing.

i have accepted that i think im a bit emotionally stunted. im not very sensitive, perhaps thats what makes me a killer verbal fighter. what i mean by 'emotionally stunted'...is that it seems that its hard for me to feel things every now and then. before last year, i had a high tolerance for emotional pain. then, i made the mistake of letting a person get in control of my emotions...and since then ive been rebuilding it, stronger than ever. im more careful w/ what i say and how i say it...when i remember to consider these things of course.

after this entry, i dont want to refer to anything that pertains to this topic again. its all in the process of healing and having let all that go. i cannot forgive him, but surprisingly im willing to call a truce w/ her. afterall, as ghandi once said, "you cannot shake hands with a clenched fist."

im all for learning new ways to better myself. im glad that i have been the bigger person in all this bc it makes me feel like ive accomplished something in this mess.

life is trying to tell me about the fruits of perseverance--i just haven't been listening. im listening now though. im trying to learn.