Thoughts.com Blogs - if they could just look closer

View Blog

if they could just look closer

I’m just so tired. It’s so hard to get up, even in the late afternoon. I don’t want to face the day. I’m just so exhausted thinking about all the things that will inevitably go wrong. How much I hate myself. I lay in bed and obsess and fucking obsess about food. I can’t cry. I tried so hard today to cry. just to release all that anxiety and I couldn’t do it. I feel so lonely and sometimes all I want is to talk about it, I just want them to see it. My mom, my dad, my boyfriend. and I don’t want them to notice so they’ll feel sorry for me, I just don’t have the courage to bring it up myself. When I talk about the way I am I feel weak, I feel like they’ll think I’m being a victim, I feel like they’ll think I’m crazy…or they’ll realize what a huge failure as a human being I am. I’ve really come to realize all the problems I have, except one, are self created. And so what does that say about me?
I’m filled with guilt and shame. About everything I can’t do right. I’m so filled with shame from that night. I just want the thoughts and all the things I feel about it to go away. I keep thinking about how much easier it would be if I didn’t have to think anymore. If I didn’t have to exist in any sense of the word.
But in my head it’s such on oxymoron. It would feel free to not feel. Haha. If that’s what I want I will never obtain it.
I’m so overly sensitive. Everything anybody does hurts so bad. I’m scared of my father. I’m just so scared he’s going to rub in more what an ungrateful failure of a daughter I am. I’m so afraid of k figuring out what I really am, crazy and sad and so i bend over so far backwards it hurts. And then I’m upset at him for making me do it. It’s just not fair for him. I’m so tired of n. I’m so tired of her interrupting me. I’m tired of my mom crying half the time we’re alone and drunk. I’m tired of her being so clumsy and neglectful with my father. Doesn’t she know he’ll just cheat if she doesn’t try harder?! And then of course I’ll find that shit and I’ll pretend it’s no big deal and I’ll cry about it later and then I’ll find her drunk again. Why can’t my dad just love her for who she is and stop letting her buy and drink so much alcohol. It’s not my job to fucking babysit her all night. Why can’t my brother acknowledge the fact that I’m his only sister and that I even exist. Thinking about him hurts the most, I feel so abandoned by him. I thought we were in this together. More than anybody I thought we would last till the end of time. And who knows when that is, tonight, 50 years from now. I miss him terribly. And all I do is get angry and lecture him, I’ve forgotten how to love him because he hurts me so bad.
I’m so tired of myself. All the things I do to hurt myself. It freaks me out I have goodbye letters written and ready. I can’t believe I feel like I’m there again. Fuuuuuuuuck. Just be better. What can I do to feel better. Everybody is so much happier when I’m perky and well.
I feel like k is getting so sick of me, and maybe it’s because I’m so sick of myself. He gets so angry at the smallest things and it’s mostly when he doesn’t get his way. Doesn’t he understand or even sort of notice how much of a mess I am right now? Why can’t he just care enough to ask? Why do I need him to in the first place…Maybe it’s all in my head. I just love too much. But they can’t see it, because I’ve been smiling for so long. It’s like my mom said, hold the face long enough and it’ll stick. I never knew she was talking about fake smiles. How long am I supposed to accept feeling like this? How long am I supposed to keep trying to get over this? I’m trying soooooooo hard to just get over this shit myself. I’ve been to the end of the world and back and been through some bullshit and I’m still standing here smiling. Doesn’t that count for fucking anything?

And in the back of my head I keep thinking…is this karma? Karma is real and lasting and maybe it’s just biting me in the ass. I truly believe what I preach, the shitty lives people live are not because of their circumstances but because of the way they react to them. That’s why I’m so hard on myself. It’s why I’d rather end it than not be able to fix it myself.
All this consumes me. And it all turns into this paranoid fear and my belief in Murphy’s Law. Except I’m actually an optimist so when this shit happens, and even though I know in the back of my head it’s coming, it hits me like a ton of bricks. The fear to try comes back, it hurts less to fall when you are already so low. And in my head I also know that the ups are always worth the downs and so I just keep trying to fix myself.

I was fine. I felt so shitty today and I was fine and now he’s mad again. I’m hurting deeply. I’m very alone. I’m being dramatic and emo. I don’t know how to be anything else. Im sorry. I’m sorry. I don’t try to wallow. I feel that I just can’t help it. I can’t accept that I’m just this way. I just can’t believe that this is what I’ve made myself into. Sad and pathetic. And hopeless and everything that is me. I’m a puppet to my emotions.