If I could take it all back, I would. But I know its a little late for that. I don't know who your feeling. But I do know you don't have any feelings for me whatso ever. I know Im not anything you need. Nor anything you ever wanted. But what I really wanted to say will start now... I feel that the whole thing that was Me and You, was rushed. And I'm so sorry for it. I was scared, I know stupid right, But i was scared of being with someone who was almost exactly like myself. I was scared of getting hurt, Like I always am. So I backed away, which I should have never done. Maybe thats why I couldn't show you, what you really meant to be. I'm sorry. I fuess its that, right off when we started dating, I trusted you. I never like NEVER trust people that fast. But in some way you were different. But the thing is, is that when I trust people, I'll fall in love with them, and when I do, I never know how to get out of it. I was so afraid of being with the only guy who understood me, without evening knowing it. I just thought so much about you, and I guess the thought of you, intimidated me a little bit. Not in a bad way tho. I realized you were everything I could ever ask for. And I didn't know how to act, you did everything for me, so that I didn't have to. Which normally isn't the case for me. I know you can't find it in your heart to forgive me, but more than ANYTHING, I wish you could. I know I hurt you, and You dont want to try anymore. But you have to know that I never meant to hurt you. I never hurt anyone on purpose. I'm always the one who gets hurt. And It hurts me even more to see someone suffer from something that I'm going through. Im sorry. And also, Im really sorry for never telling you how proud I was of you for at least trying to stop smoking for me. {even tho I know you never really stopped] But thats okay, I dont blame you for it. It was a dumb thing to make you do... Im sorry. But honest to god, your everything I could ever ask for. I know I never showed you what a girlfriend can be. This is so hard... but I think Im in love with you. For real tho.. like I'm not BSing you. And its killing me. It hurts so much to see you at school, and I can't run up to you, and Just hug you. It hurts so much, to know I can't run to you for anything anymore, cause I know you won't care. But I know no matter what I say, you'll never take me back, which is so hard to have to admit to myself. You probably think Im pathetic, becuase I am. I just can't let you go. Or maybe its just that I don't want to let you go. Mike you know me, and you know that I've never lied to you. And I never plan on lying to you. I just wish I could have on, just one, chance to be with you again... I've never asked someone so many times for one chance... that says something. I know I can live without you, I just don't want to try, cause it would kill me, like it is now. If I didn't care so much, trust me, I would've given up by now. I want to make this work, but I know you don't want to. I guess I can't blame you. I don't deserve you, but deep down in my heart, I know that I do deserve you. I've never had the boyfriend i always deserved, but as cheezy as this sounds, you were the boyfriend that I did deserve. I just wanted one last chance to show you, but unfortunatly I'll never get that chance. I tried so hard not to lose you, becuase of everything I was trying to deal with. Which most of it I didn't tell you about, and thats why you probably didn't understand.... but yet i did lose you. And I regret everything about it too. For someone who was the most important person in my life, I didn't realize it at the time. I can't forgive myself for the way i treated you, so I don't expect you to either. Its just, I don't even know. I just wish things could've turned out differently I had a special feeling about you, and I thought maybe you did too. And you would understand but no matter what you'll always be in my heart. I miss you... I just thought we could make it... one last time, but now we'll never know. But the only thing that I want is for you to be happy... .weather it be with me or without me. I jsut want you to be happy...... Even tho I say that I want you to be happy... I want you to be happy with me. Becuase I know I can make you happy. I KNOW I CAN! I just need that chance to prove it to you. I miss you... mike more than you'll ever know... Im so sorry.


♥/Courtney.


p.s.--- i really do..love you.