I am lieing besides my friends on the beach. my stomach is big. it feels hard and heavy. something to lug about. The baby is not moving. it must be sleeping in the sun, just like me. People look at you when you're pregnant. They think horrible things. They think I'm a slut. They wonder if I know who the father is. They don't know me. They don't know the things I've done. the places I've been, the joy I feel.

The only sad part is we have no life anymore, Joe and I. We used to always be out. Clubbing, drinking, partying, meeting people. And we knew everyone. Gay people, straight people, black, white, legless, armless, drug addicts, born again christians, fat, skinny, smart, dumb, abused, privelleged, neglected, rich, funny, quiet, hookers, lawyers, drunk, sobre, clean, dirty... and we loved them all. That's what I loved about Joe. He was like me in a way. He had no prejudice. He didn't wanna be a macho man. He didn't want to impress anyone. anyone but me.. He just loved to live. We partied on our own, with strangers, friends... sometimes I felt like the whole world was divided into friends and critics. Of course that's far too black and white. The world is too beautiful in colour to paint with one stroke. I liked those days. Pride is coming up. That's something we would have gone to last year. Now I'm too sick. and he's too BUSY. I wish I could be out and about. But I'll be sick by this evening. and he might be stoned, if he can afford it.

I miss BB. Before baby. But I love baby. i wouldn't have it any other way.