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you dont know what i'd give just to have someone come and kiss me , tell me I look pretty, tell me they appreciate me... someone to touch me like they need me.. make me smile. i feel like i havent smiled in weeks. i wish joe could read my thoughts. then he'd understand how alone I feel.
it all starts with so much love and affection. thats how we've always been. pregnancy was the beginning of the end for us. if anyone remembers how we started, they remember how much time we wanted to spend together.. how close we were.. how much joe adored me.
all i wanted to do was curl up with him and feel him close to me. I still do feel that way. but he doesn't. i can tell. he still treats me like his friend, his best friend even.. but there's nothing more there..i don't know if he'd miss me if i threw him out. i don't know if i have a reason to throw him out.
im a sucker for self loathing. i think i enjoy it maybe.
i miss being loved. i miss being wanted. i hate speaking to those girls from my past.. with their perfect accessories and their exciting drunken lives.. all they think about is themselves and their girlfriends and they don't know how hard it is to grow up. i don't want to know either. about making the choice between a nice lunch with friends and maybe a new pair of shoes, and buying a box of nappies.. selflessness. that's what it is. but it's phony, because i don't feel selfless, i feel awful. i feel forced and contorted in every direction but they one i like the sounds of. but maybe that party life was not for me. i certainly wasn't very good at it. i always took things further than everyone else every time. if someone got drunk.. i'd get trashed.. if someone got stoned, i'd go and get high on crack. if someone got laid, i'd have a threesome.. it was always too much, too fast.
this is probably the healthiest i've ever been. no drinking or drugs, early nights, family time.. a steady relationship.. but im miserable. but then maybe i was always miserable. i just had all my little vices to numb the pain back then..
this entry annoys me. ill try not to feel sorry for myself anymore.
i just want to feel worthwhile.
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Posted by knocked_up on 2007-12-10 16:23:42 | Rating: | Views: 111
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You def are worth while.
and this guy who doesnt "love" yu is dumb
im pretty sure yu can find better = ]
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Posted by Thegirl101
on 2007-12-11 16:32:02
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