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| drugs, dreams, our baby boy, and the shift
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I dreamt last night that JOe crashed the car. He came to the door, sobbing and crying like he's never done before infront of me. His pupils were big and his face looked terrified. I threw myself around him, kissing him and telling him not to worry. My parents pushed past to view the damage. I knew he had been on drugs and he knew I knew, and I could feel his shame. It's like his pain was my pain and I wanted to climb inside him and cradle all the little peices and make everything o.k. again. I woke up crying. I hugged him and he woke up, asking me if I was o.k. I told him to never go away again, and I told him to never go back to drugs. I didn't sleep again all morning.
I can never go back to that place in my life again. I can never see Joe there, and I can never go there.
it's the darkest and scariest place in the world. everywhere you look is lies and deception, and every person is consumed with fear and guilt and filfthy secrets. that is a place you go to hide, but it isn't safe, and I hate that life.
all my dreams all night were strange. I walked out on a jetty, and then I saw that the water wasn't lapping under the jetty, it was washing across it. and the water moved closer, until it was around my ankles, and I ran and I ran, but the water was rising, and the wave came and crashed over me when I got back to the sand, pushing me under.
why am I freaking out?
Yesterday was my ultrasound, and we found out we're having a boy. Joe came too!!! He was so happy to find out! He called everyone, and I think he realized even before the ultrasound lady told us, because I saw a little smile creep up to his lips when she showed us the babies bottom and back legs. i just thought that thing between his legs could be the umbilical cord.. shows how much I know.
so my aunty was wrong, and we have made a baby boy. I feel afraid but I feel so excited at the same time. It's amazing that we made a person. a tiny person. & we made him out of love too, and passion...
joe's at work. I feel a shift in him this morning. my dream was a warning.
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Posted by knocked_up on 2007-10-17 18:35:13 | Rating: | Views: 89
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