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I woke at 3:55 AM and first said to myself how that was just a strange dream, then thanked the Lord for waking me seeing as how I wanted to get up at 4:00 AM. I'm making a cup of coffee now. The Cosby Show is on; I'm going to put the first two loads of laundry in after the Cosby Show. After putting them in the dryer, I'm going to take a shower. The coffee is ready and too sweet, but, oh well, I'm sure I'm going to have four or five more cups anyhow; one of them is bound to have the right amount of sugar. I feel a sense of determination, if not energy, that I usually lack.

I love my boys.
I fear the 'same shit, different job' syndrome. ... ... But, I have to deal with it just like everyone else. Plus, I think I am emotionally ready to take bullshit again. The past is the past and has nothing to do with the future so I should be clear to move on.

The time now is, 5:54 AM. The clothes are now in the dryer and I'm wondering why my heart is still so very broken. Why does it hurt so much? Why must it hurt so much? Answer: It's called 'love'.

Why must love be so damn traumatizing? It shocks the hell out of one's system when falling and it shocks the hell out of one's system when betrayed.

The thing is, I have no right to have a broken heart. I have no right to feel anything but right, seeing as how I was right all along about things. I've always known that it couldn't be, it wouldn't be. But knowing that didn't and doesn't lessen the heartache any.

Time: 11:52 AM - I just got off of the phone with him.
How many times does he have to reject me will it take for me to get through my thick-ass head that I am not the one for him; I am not even enough for him to come to.? How many fuckin times?

Ok. Okay; I am going to go do what I have to do in this apartment.

I don't blame him;
At least he is able to reject me
instead of
stringing me along as he had don for the past three years.

I'm okay, Lord.

I'm okay.

Posted by kmsonekimm on 2009-09-29 11:57:01 | Rating: