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i know in my other post tonight i said that i didnt know if i was going to post on here anymore but the simple fact is im tired and cant sleep have no one to talk to because its almost 3am and way to lazy and not even sure if i want to create another blog right now.
so lets talk mr blog
i had a very hard day, i never slept and my dad would not let me go to work because he knew i was up all night which i cant let him know again because all i wanted was something to do to somehow occupy my mind but of course that wasnt going to happen so i sat alone all day reading a email i had recieved from scarlett over and over 50 times or more.
and honestly after last night or yesterday morning i dont know i have been up so long everything is blurring together its a awfull feeling. i dont know how to take it.
perhaps i should copy the email on here, if anyone is intrested or might have some insight comment and i will.
im 6 feet from the edge and im thinking maybe 6 feet aint so far down
sorry was zoneing into music for a moment, im tired of being treated like and reffered to as a problem, a burden...
i want to be loved not beat up and thrown around through some shit that obviously hasnt been working look where it has gotten us.
i talked to her a little bit online today, i didnt want to but she imed me and i gave in...it wont happen again tomorrow/today. its hard to know how to reffer to time right now such a weird feeling.
I mean it always comes back to this for me, if im such a burden , such a pain in her ass and she doesnt even know if she wants to be with me...then how could it upset her this much, why would she have to think about it so hard...i feel like still im being phased out to the point where when i have no influence at all she will have no reason to think about me and therefore wont feel bad just cutting ties. why would i wait around for another disaster like that? i mean i was right last time right? i knew this shit was going to happen....and after she told me ohh only look at the positvie side choose to believe in that...i tried...it bit me in the ass.
thank god some people were willing to care about my feelings...didnt feel like they were "there problem" or i dont know where i would be right now, some of which i would have never expected to be there others of which im glad they were.
so i think im going to houston for my birthday but i dont know for sure yet, im going to decide tomorrow.
this isnt how this was suppose to end up
so the more i think about it the more pissed off i am with myself for posting on here. i mean honestly if my thoughts,feelings,and heart arent her problem anymore than she doesnt deserve the privlege to know what im thinking at all.
we never talked about how to move past it, just why not...how can she say she tried. and still continueing to drag it out.
i know i am the one that fucked up but does she desrve to have me again after telling me my heart isnt her problem and she hasnt really missed me? i dont know honestly, if she just couldnt be there for me at all when im sure it was 100 times more humiliating for me to be there for her and just as painful though im sure in a very different way.
but do i work this hard and wait for her answer so long just to say sorry i dont think i can be with you?
i mean i want to but i feel like im being dicked around and treated poorly and she has had no regard for me or my feelings...why would anyone care about someone who has been treating them like that?
i love her and i want to be with her...and i was so clear on that and all she is doing is pushing me away and away and away giving me reasons to not want to be with her and none to be.
how long can blind love hold out?
i think she is doing this on purpose, i mean not really realizing she is doing it...but subconisouly pushing away from eachother untill she feels unloved and makes me feel unloved enough that she can disconnect from the situation without a care in the world...infact relieved because she is to afraid to work through it.
she tried to mention in her email that she after all these events might be suffering from clinical depression...if there is one thing i know about depression, you are most deffinately not self aware of clinical depression when you are truley in it...its not untill you start to come out of it that you become self aware of it...i have been in and out of it often enough to know that. its almost like a smack in the face when you realize it, a pretty rude awakening.
regardless maybe she should see a therapist, atleast i know she will talk to someone about it then.
i honestly thought she was going to be the person i spent the rest of my life with and i have never seriously doubted us untill now. its quite possible the worst feeling in the world
time time time time time time time time time time time time time time time time time time time timee time time time t
such a intresting tool in this case...they say that time heals all....in this case i feel like time blinds all....lets them forget...an excuse.
thinking back to some of my earlier posts i said that i was tired of letting the chips fall where they may...and from now on i was going to make my own destiny, do what i want and make the things i want happen. how did i let myself get to this point, no control...letting the chips fall where they may, with such a bid decision seems like a even bigger mistake than the one i made to get myself into this situation.
i cant even listen to my favorite music artist anymore...i dont know how i will live without dave,..
i apologize for my lack of orginization in my blogs and im sure the incredable amount of spelling errors but really i dont have ability to worry about such things when this much is on my mind
i miss sleeping
have you ever been awake so long that it feels like your memory is lapseing like things you normally should and would remember just arent there, thats where i am right now.
ok well i dont think there is anything productive i can get out of blogging anymore at this point.
i still love her....
i still care about her.....
i still miss her...
and i still wont give up
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Posted by kmedcalf on 2008-01-22 03:26:24 | Rating: | Views: 106
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Wow... I am very impressed that you are so passionite and upfront with your feelings. I think you should post the email on here ... I'd like to read it.
Just be careful... I just got out of a relationship a lil bit ago where my ex kept stringing me along... not letting me get to far away... And would tell me all of these things... then just when I thought we were getting back together... he'd totally not talk to me for a whole week, and just when I thought I was done... over him, if you will... there he would be.. calling or texting again, wanting to see me... Just wanted to give you a little insight... Hope I helped...
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Posted by helen1282
on 2008-01-22 16:01:51
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