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to start off this post will not be suitable for everyone there will be foul language so please do not continue to read this if you are sensitvie to souch things.
FUCK. it doesnt help really, so it happend tonight just like i kept saying it would, phased out more and more untill finally she doesnt even want to talk at all, im not her "problem" fuck that im not a problem im a fucking privlege one of which she no longer deserves. i have done some fucked up things i know that, hell its even my fault that we were in this posistion but i never acted like she was a problem or a annoyance...still i put up with that shit and i DID NOT GIVE UP. she did.
she goes on to say this isnt giving up i did try so on and so forth but i guess its about time to see it for what it really is. so what is it really?
do i now give up?
how can she say she loves me and still do this? just 2 hours before we were making plans for me to fly there for my fucking birthday and spend the weekend...
what the hell am i suppose to do, wait? and wait? for god knows how long. i dont think she was even trying before what in gods name would make me think she would try now...
all i can say is your "burden" is gone...are you happy?
i am angry,i am sad,i am hearbroken, i am confused, i really dont know who i am anymore.
i mean they say its better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all...i dont think i believe that anymore
every fucking thing reminds me of her...EVERYTHING...from the food i eat, to the clothes i wear...the way i fucking think...
its almost 4 am...do i ever sleep anymore? im kinda hoping for some fatal have asleep accident at work in a few hours so i dont have to feel this pain any longer...and just to clear this up (some promises i do keep, i didnt not and will not cut myself) though you have no idea how bad i want to.
so what now? i mean i have no reason to believe nor will i that she isnt going to go out party every other fucking night get hammered and do whatever she wants with whoever she wants whenever she wants...could i accept her back in my life after that?
is that even healthy to think about??
i love her, and i dont even want to anymore. why? why would i still love her...when all i am is a burden to her? something she doesnt even want to think about...something she threw to the curb.
she says she needs this for us...does that make any sense to anyone? what kind of fucking us do you think this is? how do you expect me to make plans for school? for work? for living arangements? when i dont even know if im gonna fucking talk to you again EVER.
why do i still love her?
all she has done is beat me down and throw my feelings around for the last month....why would i even want to love her?
i do love her though....i wish we could pick and choose the people we love, and when to stop...the simple fact is i cant.
i dont want to date anyone else...i dont even want to think about thinking about dating somone else...
when will this pain end?
its now been an hour since i have started this post i have just been sitting here i mean honestly i dont even know what to think, let alone what to type
i have to get up in a hour and a half to go towork...HA get up
can i give up now? do i really want to? am i fooling myself if i dont? setting myself up for more and worse pain?
fuck
i cant think anymore....thats a weird feeling....i spell weird right now, because she always corrected me....
455 am
459 am
fuck
i dont want to give up
i love her
i miss her
maybe one day she will miss me again
maybe one day she will love me again
could i live with myself if i was around for that day?
if i wasnt ready?
i wish i had slept
501am
but it all comes back to...she doesnt love me, i was just a burden...why would she love me again now...would i even believe her?
fuck
i am so confused
some best friend....thanks for being there for me...
i sitll love her.
why?
im going to take a shower...for the next 2 hours
atleast i quit smoking i guess...thats got to count for something, i dont even get the urge anymore.
fuck
i miss her
i love her
i want her
and so this is what it comes down to
i wont give up
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Posted by kmedcalf on 2008-01-21 05:09:05 | Rating: | Views: 129
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It hurts doesn't it...I don't know how you feel but I can tell you about the opposite...I lie awake at night wondering what it would be like if I had taken a chance with someone, anyone. I have never had my heart broken because I have never been strong enough or brave enough to give it the chance. Be proud of your courage and try again. Someday you will find what you are looking for.
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Posted by pastthemask
on 2008-01-24 13:29:42
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