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| what a strange looking glass
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i felt so scorned the past few days.
my sisters are in town this week....and they decided that the best way to spend our time together was at the mall. already a bad idea. from the get go the word 'mall' should have alerted me.
malls are for teenagers....it feels young to me. and since i was more than reluctant to revisit my youth i should have known better. but we went anyway.
me, my daughter, my 18 year old kid sister, my 24 year old eldest sister, and her daughter, my 3 year old niece. we made quite the motley crew running around with a double stroller, three purses, and various bags of purchases. my younger sister has money, via a rich boyfriend who spoils affection from her...my older sister has no money but spends the little she has frivolously anyhow...and i am broke.
i feel, when i am with them...like i never stopped being 12. a little gangly, not attractive at all, and so awkward and dark, almost depressed compared to their gleaming beauty and bubbly attitude. i was always taller than they were. still short, but longer and stretched out looking when standing alongside their round faces and perfect figures. i was reed thin and just hideously flat in all the wrong ways.
fast forward ten years and i am still taller than they are. they are still girlishly figured and cute. they still gleam and have beautiful round faces with perfect makeup, jewelry and stylish taste that i may always envy.
whereas i have evolved into someone with longer, bolder features...nicer people have said that i look elegant. meaner people have said that i still look exaggerated and awkward.
but i have grown comfortable with myself.
like a pair of jeans broken in and worn down to soft fabric and perfectly fitted lines. i appreciate my uniqueness when compared to my sisters. i may never be called cute, but no one has ever told them that their faces 'look regal.' a close friend once told me that i have 'bedroom eyes.' he meant it as a compliment, a testament to all those old black and white film women he adores.
so yes. there are things i like and don't like about myself. but i've accepted them all. gladly i have learned to love what i've got and never miss what i don't.
and then the beauty twins come into town. the ones everyone loves and hugs and wants to be like and dress like....makes me sick with dread.
because in their presence this carefully built, perfectly level tower of confidence is washed away in the tide of past self loathing.
suddenly i am everything i used to be. ugly, awkward, unwanted, unattractive...
and worse. i am starting to believe it may just be the way things are.
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Posted by kmalbro on 2008-01-14 17:08:43 | Rating: | Views: 77
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| Blog Comments
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So many people have problems with their self image it seems and oddly enough sometimes it is completely unjustified. There is nothing wrong with your appearance that I can see. I think you may just be going through a negative patch.
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Posted by hairytoad2005
on 2008-01-15 21:47:43
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I've seen your pictures and I can say that without any hidden agenda you are a very beautiful woman. You have no reason to feel self-conscience. I always felt inferior when I went home to visit my family too. So I seldom went.
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Posted by HungryHeart
on 2008-01-17 00:00:22
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thank you both so much for your encouragment...what is with family anyhow? they all moved away and i stayed put just to avoid situations like these. and yet they keep visiting...classic bullies only feel good about themselves when there is someone else around to put down.
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Posted by kmalbro
on 2008-01-17 17:39:47
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