alot of people say that i think too much. they say that dwelling on certain aspects of life is unhealthy and can only lead to depression and/or obsession. but i know myself. i know that my dwelling days are over and these moments of pure reflection are the soothing balm my weary mind needs. my thoughts wandered today over my perspective on life, and then almost immediately to the tiny life i hold in my arms every day.
what will she see me as?
the future awaits us both...her childhood is slowly blossoming and she looks to me like a fresh flower, all abloom with petals just yearning for the sun. i grow older, sometimes it feels like each moment in time leads me further. i am aging in leaps and bounds rather then in years. and what does the time ahead hold for us? what will show up at our doorstep and how will we deal with whatever we are handed?
i have lived so much in the past few years. every day a journey, sometimes a struggle to keep going. but today i look back and realize that never a moment passed during which i stood still. life remains in motion, even when it seems to my ignorant eyes that i am being passed over. like waves that crash on the beaches shore, life is drawing me slowly into change. the land that we see as permenance and sturdy confidence is moving too. even the sand cannot linger on the shore, it too will be shaped and formed while our eyes grow dim to the movement around us.
but what will her eyes see? when she looks at me now it is all warmth and desperate love. it is longing and trust and respect. but what will the years show her? what sights and sounds and influences will take her opinion of me and mold it? and when these changes occur, what can i do to alter them? i can confuse her mind, i can lie and alter her perceptions in a grim attempt to prolong the inevitable conclusion. but eventually she will she what everyone else sees, the lies will fall apart and she will be left with nothing but raw truth and complex realities. her mother was a tramp. a whore, a hussy. an obsessively angry neurotic with nothing to her name but endless amounts of shame.
her lineage was derived from hideous moments and drunken choices made when no mind could even form the thought of her potential existence. when all that was cared for was tossed aside in favor of that blissful life spent in the moment.
and when all comes together...what will she see?
no matter what i do now does not erase my past, does not negate her beginnings. i cannot alter or stem the tide of truth no matter what i decide to do when it comes to presenting her with answers.
but i am not afraid. i am what i am what i am.
and i can only hope, that when her time comes, i have raised a child who is well equipped to believe the same.