Thoughts.com Blogs - this winding road

View Blog

this winding road

the more i vent the more likely i am to offend people. no matter how hard i try to be the bigger person, have a giving heart, let things go, let things slide, let people have the last word....i am, at heart, an arguer.
i have tried for years to break this habit. i am not a chronic arguer in the sense that i always have to pick a fight. but when one lands in my lap, no matter how much i outwardly play the mature card, inwardly its only a matter of time before someone gets to hear my actual opnions.
i probably don't even mean them, not as strongly as i say them anyway....but if i feel it on any level, in any way i have to get it off my chest. i don't like to badmouth people, i honestly do believe the best most of the time. or i want to anyway. but sometimes even the most paranoid thought has merit and i may turn out to be right.
my last roommate took advantage of me to the enth degree. she used me as a babysitter when i was supposed to be her friend, she dumped all her issues on me and left me high and dry with no way out of the situation for almost a year. by the time i moved out i was more of a mother to her kids than she ever was. i got up with them in the morning to make them breakfast and get them cleaned, dressed and on the bus. i spent all day watching her 2 year old whilst planning the rest of the day for the kids once they got home. if one of them got sick it was my job to pick them up from school, if one of their teachers had a problem, i went to the conference and resolvd the issue. armed with her social security number and bank information i paid all her bills, begged for a late payment option, made excuses as to why the electric should not be turned off....unable to say simply that my roommate would rather go on a shopping spree with her sixteen year old daughter than set aside money for things like electricty, running water and food. that was my job to pick up the pieces, her job was to hold some semblance of a sane front, all the while losing her mind and not caring about the consequences.
the kids would get off the bus and i was the one to greet them. they came inside, put their dirty shoes where i told them to. they got out their homework and sat at the kitchen table while i supervised, corrected grammer, broke up arguments as to whose elbow was touching whose work space, and at the same time managed to cook dinner out of nothing because my roommate had forgotten or didn't care enough to go grocery shopping that week. why should she? all the grocery money went to her daily meals from wendys, mcdonalds, or the nearest convenience store. after homework i would do laundry while the kids watched a movie. i'd feed them dinner, hang out with them, then put them to bed at eight. the entire time my roommate, their mother, would hide in her bedroom with the door closed and locked and refuse to be disturbed no matter how much the kids yelled or begged for her time. she was tired from working all morning, she would say, leave mommy alone. working all morning? try a five hour shift at the local grocery store ringing up customers, then going out to shop, eat, hang out with friends and coming home exhausted from her day. too exhausted to give a damn about her own family. eventually i'd convince the kids that they'd see their mother in the morning and she'd give them TWO kisses and hugs to make up for not tucking them into bed. when they'd have nightmares i'd sing them to sleep, when they needed a drink in the middle of the night, it was my door they'd knock on. and when they misbehaved, it was me who dolled out punishments fitting to the crime.
after the kids were in bed i would clean the kitchen of the nights meal. i'd make their lunches for the next day, using whatever i could find in the fridge. sometimes we'd have so little food i'd have to send them off with nothing more than a few slices of cheese and a juice box. i'd borrow money from my boyfriend, saying i needed gas or something, then run to the store at midnight and try to make 20 dollars buy enough food for five children to eat the next day.
after the cleaning was done i'd finish the laundry and set out their outfits for the next day. socks, underwear, shirts and pants. i'd line up shoes and backpacks by the door, hunt down lost hats or gloves depending on the weather and search in vain for a breakfast food that would appease their ravenous appetites.
once i made outmeal for two weeks straight because i could buy it in bulk and it was cheap. the kids were going crazy, begging me to give them something else. what could i tell them? how could i explain that it wasn't my fault their mother didn't care? instead i just took the brunt and tried to protect their little minds from what they couldn't grasp for just a little bit longer.
i did this for almost a year. so much time spent taking care of those poor kids, starving myself so that every last dollar could go for what those kids needed. i have never encountered any person so selfish as my roommate. her parents would send her money and instead of paying bills or feeding her kids she'd buy herself new clothes, a new cell phone, a new purse or pair of shoes. she'd treat herself to fancy meals while the kids stayed home and had some sad version of a casserole that i had concocted at the last second. her parents sent her new clothes for the kids, with the tags and receits so she could exchange them for a different size if need be. she took them to the store and returned them all, taking the money, a couple hundred dollars and buying herself a new mp3 player.
and yet i stayed. i didn't want to leave those kids to the situation they were in. my roommates friends were just oblivious. they didn't want to believe what they were seeing. they made excuses, they overlooked the mountain in favor of seeing a tiny flower blooming at the base of it. i hated them for their excuses and i hated my roommate for her sickness.
then i got pregnant. and i still stayed. i was getting tired easily and couldn't take up the slack so much. and so my roommate started hating me. she hated me for failing her. she blamed me for the chaos in her life. she told me it was my fault when the house was dirty, when the kids went hungry. she crucified me and told her children that i was a terrible person. that their mother worked so hard and it was me who had fallen short. but i was pregnant, and i knew that it was time to leave that world.
i moved out, seven months pregnant, and was told that i was leaving at the worst possible time because she had just been evicted for not taking care of the house and was facing being homeless. she wanted to know why i hadn't offered to help her find a new place, or help her pack and move. yes, thats right, ask the insanely pregnant woman to put your shit in boxes and haul them out to a moving van.
i packed my things and started to look for a place to go. i stored my belongings at my boyfriends house while i looked for somewhere to live. then oneday i was visiting him and i realized that i couldn't go back. i couldn't face that roommate ever again, i was tired of the ugliness and the unjustice of it all, and i couldn't go home. so i never did. my boyfriend went there to pick up the rest of my belongings and i haven't spoken to her since.
that was over a year ago now.
i heard through the grapevine that she had married a wealthy man who loves her and her children.
thats good for her.
but in a way i wish that she had learned the hard way.
i wish something had opened her eyes to the selfishness that rules her every thought, every action.
and maybe there is justice in another life....or maybe i am just a pushover and the bullies will always come out on top.