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i am longing to believe that the past can be made up for. that time can mend things and wounds can scar over, no matter how deep they once went. i want to believe in the magic of an apology and the healing power of a sincere regret. there are people who have come and gone whose time i have not missed and whose voice i would never care to hear again. but then there are others who i mentally visit on a regular basis. call them regrets, call them foolishness in the form of a relationship, but by whatever name they are the thought that haunts me even when i try to convince myself i no longer care.
i tell myself that i am different now. that time not only heals, it can alter as well. and altered i have been. i'm not who and what i once was, and i have grown to hate her as much as anyone else did. looking back its strange to realize that i considered my behavior normal and well adjusted. i thought that the way i went about my life had a purpose and a meaning. what purpose, what meaning? couldn't tell you. but as evidenced by the emotions i got in return, my purpose was to alienate and abuse and my meaning was drawn from the suffering of others.
i have learned to be hurt without hurting someone in return, i now strive to return misery with kindess, and i have chosen to take the path that lets blows land and turn the other cheek.
i am not saying that i have suddenly become this religious figure or even that i believe in god. but i am saying that morally i have taken new paths and gone to new heights when at one point i thought i was stuck at the bottom of a canyon.
so maybe i can be forgiven by the people i hurt. and maybe not. but either way it will have to be enough to know the at least i tried.
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Posted by kmalbro on 2008-03-13 12:46:39 | Rating: | Views: 66
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