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Addiction to people

When you find your self crying more than you laugh, then there is a problem. When you depend on someone to make you happy, there's an even bigger problem. I think addiction to people can sometimes be worse than an addiction to drugs. I mean think about it, when you become addicted to someone it makes you crazy, you do crazy things like going out of your way to make sure they are with you every second of the day. You lay guilt trips on them when ever they are away from you as if the fact that they have to work a full time job is there fault. Have we as people become so pathetic that we can't learn to be happy with ourselves. Be happy being alone. Why do we feel we have to have someone?

Then we begin to allow ourselves to be in pointless relationships just to have someone with us. Just to not be alone. We stay with people who cheat, abuse us shit some people even stay with people who abuse their children. Are we this desperate? I too once to be one of these people. I was once pathetic. I went from man to man with the relationships lined up back to back. Just because I thought I needed to have someone. It took me thirty years to realize being alone isn't a bad thing.

At the point of my revival to begin being happy with myself I was married to my husband for 2 1/2 years. I brought so many emotional scars from past relationships into the marriage that it was a joke. I had him constantly walking on his tippy toes making sure he did nothing to piss me off. When he wasn't with me he had to be on the phone with me because I was so afraid he would leave me like the others. It was so bad he had to carry his phone charger with him every where he went. I refused to trust him from day one because after the last man cheated and broke my heart I wasn't going to allow him to do this to me as well. I even told him on our wedding day I didn't want to marry him because I would never trust him. Because we faught so often we finally seperated and almost divorced. We were apart for around 7 months. The first month was rough. I cried a lot and reflected alot of my emotions at our son who was three at the time. This was something I told myself I would never do. My mother did this to me growing up and I always told myself I would never let my child think he wasn't enough to keep my happy or that I couldn't be happy being alone.

During one of these situations where I was upset and my son was asking me what was wrong he asked me if I was crying because he hurt me. Broke my heart! My son thought he had hurt me. At that moment I realized I had to change my ways. I had to change myself. I started reading self help books..."Ten stupid things women do to mess up their lives" and "Women who love too much". Both are wonderful! Hard to read because you get a full dose of the truth but, they are wonderful. I changed my way of thinking. I thought about my marriage to my husband, our whole relationship. I started to realize that yes he had told silly lies that I blew way out of proportion, that he had a right to feel neglected because I refused to move with him to a city 8 hours away from my home town (I lived in Savannah and he was stationed in Norfolk, VA in the USN), Yes his mad rants on nothing bugged the fuck out of me, I hated how he drove, I hated that he was so layed back and took his time with everything while I always rushed to get things done and I hated that he was 25 and still watched cartoons! Even still, I loved how he made love to me, I loved how he was a gentalman and still opened my door, I loved the fact that he was an amazing father, I loved how he loved listening to my crazy mad rants about nothing, I simply loved him. I realized during those moments apart that I needed to allow him his space. I need to live for myself as much as I was living for him and our son. I could be happy alone and I was for seven months but, I wanted to be married to him. I didn't feel like I needed him and I don't but I wanted him and no one but him as my husband for the rest of my life. Now we are going on year four. It feels so wonderful finally feeling like I can trust a man again. I have finally let go of my fears and learned to love and be happy.

For those of you out there who are addicted to someone, take some time to evaluate your self. It's unhealthy! Never love anyone more than you love yourself!