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jan,12,2008
well here i am again typing away at my laptop . . .
I have had so many thoughts on my mind but they are slowly starting to fade away, so i thought i would hurry and keep a record of what im thinking.. why I want to keep a record? for my own use. I feel like my thoughts will come in handy one day into findinf probems about myself and fixing them. I do have some problems, and I know I have them and I can easily recgonize them so why cant I fix them?
I am overly emontional, I cry over emontions I cant handle. At least once a day. If I am happy I cry, If i am sad I cry.
I have problems with certian materials on my skin and im always putting lotion on. I can not stand having dry hands, I think I just need to use better lotions. When I was little this problem use to be very extreme. When people scrated there jeans it made me cringe and grind my theeth. Even looking at certain matrial would freak me out. But I am better since then, I still dont like the feel of most things.
I am insecure. I mostly hide it. but deep down I sometimes feel I can be prettier. its like a never ending cycle, im always striving to be prettier, why cant i just be satisfied? I strae at miorros alot I dont know why, because I dont find myself pretty. I find myself buy cute clothes continuesly to make myself prettier. I am trying to break this habbit. I am spending money i shouldn't be spenidng, and when im on my own i dont want to be maxing up credit cards .
I am sex addict, but I haven't had sex. I can have an orgasim everyday and mostly do. I am addicted to that feeling and I crave it. I am scared that when I have sex I will be addicted to it, but I dont mind being addicted as long as it has no negitaves. I dont know the postives or negitaves but I will soon read up on it.
I have an anxiety disorder, I have panic attacks, and worry about everything. I am so scared of everything. I am scared of getting harmed and the people I love getting harmed, so I dont want anyone to do dangerous things. such as ride rollercoster, or drinking to much pop. I want the people i love to have a long life with me. I am scared of death. i cry over people's death that haven;t died yet and probably wont for many years. sometimes I feel the urge just to make peoples life's better while hey are still alive.
I have sucidal thoughts. I think of ways to kill myself and harm myself. But I never want to die, as I said im scared of death! I just don't know why I think of this stuff. I use to cut my wrist. I havent for a long time but I still think about doing it sometimes, don't worry I wont. When im frusterated with someone else I want to make them feel bad so I think of hurting myself, to get my way or make them feel bad for doing something to me. I know this is wrong. But I ensure you I wont harm myself. I just think about it.
I have moodswings, my mood is so werid it changes in like five seconds to hapy from sad, but I think thats normal.
I proconsinate everything.I rarely hangout with people. But i go to my dads work to work, so I do have some social. i ont like people my own age. I dont know why. they are all mostly immature and mean. older people seem nicer, and less judgemental. when i dont have work I sleep in for a long time. I spend proabbly ten hours on the computer a day, when im not working. I work 2-3 times a week for the whole day. sometimes I feel like I need a hobby. and maybe a fun game. but I want to do something with my spare time I just dont know what. I want to do something I will benfit from.
it seems like I keep taking easier routes of life and it scares me. I want to know how this will efect me in the long run. like for an example at my school i couldnt do my homework so my mom got it cut in half, then it got to the point where i couldnt even go to school and so I got excused and put on fulltime homestudy, then it got to the point where I couldnt do homestudy and I got put on parttime homestudy, then it got to the point where I couldnt do homestudy, (I wouldnt graduate in time, trust me there is alot i have to do!) so i am going to try to get my g.e.d
I am trying to get a new job for experince and socalizing. I hope to get a thrapist or something I dont know. |
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Posted by kilo on 2008-01-12 23:21:57 | Rating: | Views: 42
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