It's 3:30 in the morning.What am I doing awake? I'm not even remotely tired...I'm laying on my stomach on my bed wishing things were different when they can't be. I don't hold the power to people's minds. I thought I did. I don't. I wish I did.My room is as cluttered as my mind right now. Filled with empty boxes, things I'll never need and little reminders of you. You're everywhere and I can't take you down. You're like the ugly wallpaper in that new house you bought that you just can't paint over...It hurts.Why didn't you understand my message? It's quite clear I still want you. It's quite clear I still love you. And you think I'm doing 'fine'? Who's feeding you this bullshit? It's obviously not my father who has watched me cry over you. It's obviously not my friends who I've told my deepest feelings to. You're right though, I do have a life. I had one when I was with you too. It was the months afterwards where I drifted alone and dependant. Not anymore, I can stand on my own two feet now. I can stand tall and proud of what I've done and who I've become. But my life now is missing you in it. You say I've changed. Okay, that's obvious. People change as they grow, but that doesn't mean you have to ignore me and that doesn't mean you can't get to know the person I've become. Maybe it's because you haven't changed and you're afraid. Afraid of getting too close to something who can be so good for you. Afraid that I won't like the person you've become and then you won't have the power of kicking me out of your life. You won't have the power to pull me back in when you 'feel like it'. I'm not giving you that power anymore. I'm still standing up for what we were in the past. That won't stop. But you're not in control anymore. Not of the way I feel. I miss you. And I don't say this to make conversation or to be cute, I say it because it's what I feel deep in my heart. My heart misses you as a person, as a friend, as a laugh and as a shoulder. It's 3:44 AM now, and I'm still not tired. But I'm tired of repeating this over and over in my head. And I'm tired of blaming myself for good things that are happening in my life that make you uneasy. Maybe you should ask yourself why you still care so much about what I do if you really "don't care about me".I'm done for tonight. But before I go.Tonight you quoted One Tree Hill... " Make a wish, hold on to it and it'll come true "Well babe, I've been holding on to it like I'd hold on to an electric bull. Scared to fall, but wanting it to last.And it really sucks that the picture of me in my profile makes me look so weird and horrible. Good job thoughts.com.Peace and Love, -K