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Hello, and welcome to my thoughts. Consider this a look at what it's like inside my mind. Up until this point in my life, I beleived my thoughts where my own and no one esles. I never really shared them with anyone. No one knew what I was thinking. Or did they?

My name is Jack Samud and I'm from Sometown, Canada. I'm a 23 year old cocaisian single male. My life was a pretty simple one. I had everything figured out, I knew who I was and never thought about where I was going. I was "comfortably numb". My actions had almost no consequences, my thoughts where my own. Pain and suffering did not exist. Weird because I remembered fealing those at one time. Coulda swore I had felt those things before. O well. Everybody loved me, everything always fell into place for me. I could move mountains with my will alone. I was great at everything I did. Every now and then I would get a feeling of unbeleivable fear and dread, of emptyness and worthlessness. One sec, it's my phone. It's ringning. That was my case worker. I'm collecting imployment issurance while I go to school to help me pay for my schooling and expenses. She needs me to go to her office and sign something. Heh, anyway, what was I talking about? I forget, it felt kinda important. Oh well. whatever it was It's over now so I dont have to think about it.

This is your burning hand, it's RIGHT HERE. DONT SHUT THIS OUT.

I used to do alot of drugs, back in the day, my late teens. Smoked pot every day. I have done alot of mushrooms, acid, some exctacy, alot of speed, cocain, not to mention alot of booze. But I quit all of that about 2 years ago. I remember the day I decided to stop. Two of the people who knew me the best in the world, my very best friend Mada, and my cousin, Ffej where with me in our appartement in Notcnom, the biggest town in the province. I had been awake for about 4 days, snorting speed. Was it 5 days? or 6? I dont remember. Sleep deprevation can do some funny things to the human mind. Was I supposed to go to work that week? I dont remember that either. Well we where all sitting in the dirty appartment. Lazing arround, smoking pot like we did every waking hour, playing a game that was out for n64 at the time, mario party 9 i think. That's when it happened. They attacked me. They attacked me with shards of the coldest ice I've ever felt. All of my flaws, all of my fears. They did it in a way I couldnt be sure they where talking about me. Passive aggressively breaking down all of the walls I hard worked so hard to put up. Picking at everything I worked so hard to hide. Laughing. I will never forget their laughing. At first I tried to counterattack in the same passive aggresive way. But they hit me so hard, and so often, that I couldnt fight anymore. I had to take it. I was crying. I looked to them in disbeleif, I couldnt beleive it. I looked for mercy, but saw only evil. Evil. Cold eyes and they where laughing.
My best friend which was my first real friend, and my cousin I have known since I was 2 years old. Something happened to me aftrer that. I shut down. I was in that appartement for a week. Waiting for the next weekend when I was able to go home. I dont think I moved from that same chair for the entire week. Did that JUST happen? I wanted to beleive it dint, but I knew it had. I couldnt sleep for nearly a year after that. Sleep deprevation can do some funny things to the human mind.

I tried not to think of the words -ABANDONED- or -ALONE-

I hate myself. I'll say it. I hate myself. More then I hate anything esle. I hate everybody and everything. I hate the way I'm still alive, but I'm really dead. I hate the way I'm forced to get up in the morning and fake interest in EVERYTHING i do or EVERYBODY I see. I am incredibly pained, I'm suffering so much. I'm alone and unlovable. Worthless, it's so scary. to quote fight club, THIS is my burning hand. it's RIGHT FUCKING HERE. Take it in. Breath it in. Withought pain, withought sacrifice, we would have nothing. I am a space monkey?

Posted by kickthechair on 2008-10-11 18:15:38 | Rating:

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		Well welcome to thoughts!! This is a great place to let all your feelings out. I swear the more I read the more normal I feel..Whatever normal is these days hehehe Just a thought and I hope this doesnt offend you..seems to me that your friends saved your life. I suppose I make that comment without nearly enough information to back it up. After I read your blog I had so many questions. But this the first thing that popped into my head that I felt. I hope to hear more from you soon. Take care of yourself. Here at thoughts you are never alone. There is always someone here to listen to what you have to say and accept you exactly how you are. MLU:)
Posted by MyLifeUnscensored on 2008-10-12 12:43:07