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part 2

Up until this point in my life, I beleived my thoughts where my own and no one esles. I never really shared them with anyone. No one knew what I was thinking, right?

"As within, so without"

Thank god nobody can tell how unhappy I am. They would think I'm weak and different, a freak. They would point and laugh at me, or even worse, do it when I cant see. But I dont want them to think that, I want them to think everything is going fine and great in my life. I want them to think that everybody loves me and I love everybody. That I belong here.

I try to think positive sometimes. Maybe if I think positive I'll attrack positivity. But my positive thoughts quickly decay and rot , and I fall into the same though patterns. I cant even help it.

"Therefore God placed within the soul of man a heart capable of feeling emotions such as love and hate. God wants man to love what God loves and hate what God hates.''
-http://www.injil.org/TWOR/05.html Why God Created Man Genesis 1,2

Wait a second, God wants man to hate what he hates? But I hate myself. Does this mean that god hates me? When I was a kid I was told god loved all of his creations. God was incapable of hate. Does god really hate me? Am I an unwanted child? Has god turned a blind eye to me?Has god turned a blind eye to all the children in poverty arround the world? All the people suffering? Is he even still up there? Is he even still watching us?

I tried not to think of the words -ABANDONED- and -ALONE-

I was told many things as a child. I was programmed to beleive everybody was great and unique, everybody had a special wonderful warm fuzzy place in this world. The TV shows I watched everyday showed people who would alway recognize their mistakes, and learn from them. I was lead to beleive that I could do absolutely anything, that there where no limits for me.
But it was a lie. I have been missled. I have been tricked.

The reality is, I have been born into a world with very very limited uses for a person like me.

The worse part about it is, I dont even want to do anything about it. I dont love myself enough to even want to change.

How can there be a god? How can I allow myself to beleive in a god who can allow a soul to become so lost. Broken, shattered thoughts and bad memories, raw emotion. To affraid to even kill himself.

I'm affraid. So affraid. What have I done?
One sec, it's my phone. It's ringing. Wrong number.
What was I talking about? I forget. O well