not sure what the point of writing means now, it is funny, you think people may have a slight understanding, may have got to see some of your thoughts and got a feel by reading what sort of true person you are, but, you still get mocked, you still get those that refuse to understand or even take a moment to step back before they open their mouths, with the only intent is to hurt. it makes it worse as i aam like a few, words do hurt me, once they have been said, you can not take a word back. they say sticks and stones may break your bones, yes, tthey do, but bones heal, once hurt is said in words when it is known to affect a person,, thats when its over stepped the mark.
you cry for help, some actually take the timme to listen, to think, to notice that you are real and, they take time to read all your written feelings, where you are exposing your inner life, soul and thoughts. do yyou know how hard that is, when then a few leave remarks, haves they not read anything and why so judgemental,,just why
i hhave seen so much death and suffering in my life, i have also dealt with an awful lot mmyself and, in my thoughts that ii have tried to share, i have tried to express how i really feel. i remember i tthink my secnd or tthird diary entry here, i said i felt selfish for relaying my problems, ffor writing them down. all i suffer with, all i feel and all i deal with daily on a personal level is normally kept to myself, have been on the internet many years now, lots of people kknow fairly all my life story and they feel my fear and inner emptiness and most, do seem to show some care.
whilst others, they pick you uup for their own self advantage, then dispose of you when yyou are no longer of use to them, does it hurt, yes, iit does.
i have onlly scraped the top of the barrel iin these online rambles, its different just writing things down, rather than chatting like i used to at the old place, where people knew mmme, grew to know my mum, my life, what i do etc.
here its harderr for me, as you can not speak, just type.
you know, it will be my daughters birthday 5th january, she would hhave been 17 yyears old iif it wasnt for my ex husband and what he did to me, two seconds i had with her after he did that to me, then one gurgle and gone, then, only to have himn find me again to attack me more. yes, ii know he got sent to prison, but, him bbeing him, he soon got out and our leggal ssystem is not good.
i have had nothing else but verbal or physical abuse throughtoout life, it has been one thing after annother, since birth by my real blood mother and up till now. i will not disclose all here, iit would take forever and well, knowing how some people feel, they probaly think its a plea for pity or something, when its far ffrom it.
i was attacked at 16, i nearly lost sight in my left eye the scar where the bottle was smashed into my eye, i nearly had mmy throat slit and, had to have an abortion after he raped me have the scar also where the same male attacked me, nearly a yyear later, this time, with a knife, the stab wound was quite deepp, the scar it is not very pretty on my upper arm. he fled the country, tthe police never did find him.
you all know i tried to commit suicide more than once during my teens, its not something i have hidden in my diarys at all,, but, with the strong will i have, the last tiime i failed, i did make a vow, i love my mum that i have, she is my best friend, my rock, my everything to me, also, my dog, she is loyal, loving and i cherish her as much as i do my mum , i do live ffor them, they are all i have in the world and i look after them as i look after several otherss, but once they have gone, its over, i dont know how, but its over.
yes, therapy, heck, had therapy all my llife, but again, wiithout disclosing any more, all i can say is, none of its helped, even those i have since since a young child and, as life/years have progressed onwards, my hurt and pain is too deep, they all know i am doing everything possible , within my power to fight and hell, its no easy time. bbut many dont understand, yyou can go for every option going as regards to help annd therapy, doesnt always work though and yes, before anyone says anytthing, yes, it was me that asked at the tender age of five, that i was hurting, ssounds silly now you alot of people i guess, but, its always been me going to find help, each attack, each rape and all the mental and emotional scars i have embedded that will not fade no matter how hard i try and think positive and erase and with people seemingly getting crueler over the last few yyears and less understanding to how words can affect one, its even harder, sadly, its people from off the internet, those that have not taken time to know me, they have just ssat in judgement, not having a clue let alone having walked in my shoes. no one has the right to judge anyone, everyone suffers differently and it depends greatly on what life has been like for them, its not easy yyou know.
when i got married, ii thought i at last hhad found someone apart from my mum, who cherished me and loved mme, accected i had been through so mucch and seemed quiet and protective about me gettinng raped. i loved him with all my heart you know, but, wasnt till we got married, that the abuse started, verbally first, the usual bullying, the put me downs, the drag my self esteem lower type things and heck, i was easy to pull down, guess really thats what people dont get, i have had to cope with bullies all my life, i am easily pulled down when people choose to be spiteful or thoughtless and, it can have serious consquences for me, whereas the person who said it, probably couldnt careless and carries on their day not giving you another thought.
i ended up trapped with him, he ground me down to the point ii was unable to escape, i suffered a lot in his hands, mentally and physically, i just was not strong enough to even escape his grasp, only ithers who have been through this, been trapped this way will understand the utter terror. it was not llong before i had to endure physical abuse along with the verbal ffrom him annd, he made me pregnant , tthen one punch, jjust oone punch and i nearly died, bbut my daughter, she diedd in my armms, one faint gurgle in hospital where i was rushed aafter his attack whicch i went into labourr, i was justt over five months, she was beauttiful, i called her samanatha, then sshe died in my arms,, it was all too ffast and tthe pain cuts mme deeper than any knife ccould ever ever do again.
severall wweeks later, i was fit enough to be discharged from hospital,, i went straight home to my mum and dads, mmy husband had vanishedd, we all thought he had goneas no one hhhad seen him since i last did when ih assaulted mmme, the police were involved again annd for a few days, iit wwas okay,, till i saw a car draw up, it wwas him, he was backk, i was in a blind panic, he was ragingg and broke the door in and he raped me. hhe got only five yyears, five years, for what he put me throughh, for the lose of my daughter, five years,,, what makes me sob to this day, iis in court, it was his past as iit was read out, he hhad a list of convictionss for violence against women wwhen he wwas younger,, everyone in ccourt jjust gaspedd, i fainted, it was all too much./
he got oout after sserving jjust three yearss, for good behaviour, thats the llaw systemm over here, he was allowed out so long as hhe commited no crimes towards oothers within two yyears, otherwise hhe'd be put nack inside to serve a hhigher sentancee. so for several years i have had an injunctiooon to keep him away from me, as yyes, he has tried tto get to me, the last i saw him wass in the early 2000,, since then, tthe police hhave lost track of his whereabouts.
iits not nice llooking over your shhoulder all the time, was bad enough at 16 which ccaused me to become agoraphobic and frightened. oover the years,, i have been able to at least go to places ii know well and sometimes even on my owwn. at least my local shops, the people there kknow me and are looking out for me, tthey know i mayu suddenly panic, or break down iif have=ing a very low moment. doont know what all this typing looks like and to be honest ii dont really caree, i am just letting it fflow
have hhad mmuch hellp as i ccan get ffor the depression as alreaddy said, bbut its frightening wwhen i get so low, as i dont want others tto see me like this/tthat and well, ii need to llook after mum and my dog along with the few other elderly ii look after too.
the physical pain does get bbeyond words too, but, again,,, is something to just hhave to take and live with moment by moment day by day, yyou have nno choice.
sso, i jhave always remained mme, even though the abuse, verbal abuse, the bullying etc etcc, i have sstill remained giving and loving to everyone, because tthats me, their is nnot much i wouldnt do to help anotther person, believe mme. there is a lot of anniversaries coming up soon and there has been alot of death in the last year,, it is just not easyy.
ii feel i mayy have upset a few on the thoughts ssite, because of all the problems vt and rt, ii have not been able to keep up with everyones blogs and boookmarks and hhave not even llooked at mail aall i can do is apologize tto those tthat have been offended bby mme not having the time, or really being well enough to do it all, i really have tried to keep up, be me, be myself and ffriendly wwith everyone,, but all i can do is say sorry if thats not enough but ii have had to sttay away. i will go noww and ccheck mail room wwhich i have not ddone since fridayy night, let alone anythiing else, may just copy and paste it all onto word sso i can read laterr, i feel too fragile online and thoughts seems bigger and different noww,, much different,
i admit, ii dont want to stay as when i submit tthis entry, ii expect there may be some llike before, who may like to push me and make ffun of my problems rt. ii ask one thing aand i pray some will llisten, pplease, iif you have nothing nice to say to mme, please, dont say it, okay, thats all i ask, as i really aam having a hard time coping please dont make it worse, i will beg of youu. nno more laughing at mme.
pplease. ii have feelings
mmay llove & ligght always ssurround.
signing off
| Views: 3270
