forgive me if this comes out in my usual, rambling mess. you know, i thought i saw a little glimmer of light which was lifting me abit, then, wham, more comes down on you.
yesterday, like today, my mind is torturing me with the past, absolutely torturing me with everything bad you could think of, but yes, all the things that have impacted my life bady - from tiny things that may not be much to them, to the bigger things, as well a massive traumas i have suffered. round and round and round and, i can not stop my mind from doing it. my physical pain is not helping either and sleep with everything going on with my mind and body is pretty non exsistant.
was also hit with the fact my 'new' comp has decided to act up and will have to go and be repaired, either new memory or new hard disk, so, i will lose my major lifeline for awhile and it made my stomach turn.
wasnt a help, as if they have to take memory or replace disk, i will lose everything, all emails, pictures etc etc..and due to the issue, i can not even back up my data on dvd-r as normal, as my comp will no longer play discs/cd's/ thus i couldnt even use back up last up, i tried, but, no. so, spent hours moving emails etc to other email accounts i had, same with some of the pictures. it was far from easy, having to go through some gut wrenchingly hurtful email, just pulled me apart.
deep breath.
i copy most things, i guess for my own safety and i am and always do that rt so, vt and saving a copy of things, isnt such a bad thing.
so after all that, the tears got a good grip on me as i tried to get a tiny bit of sleep, but with pain as well as all thats racing round in my head, nada. i am shattered mentally.
the worst thing is, you try and be positive and smile and brighten, but i guess as you know if youve been reading my entries, i am currently in a bad zone and have no choice but to ride it through.
in my touching wood blog, yes, rain is cleansing and we should take more notice of our surroundings, i normally do anyway, but like with alot of late, i have been really hauled down memory lane, some things hitting me so hard again, really crushing me. but, i still try to absorb the beauty around me.
tell you what hurts the most? when you are not believed and you know and even have proof that you are truthful. yes, chatroom people again sadly, people i hoped might extend a hand and be a support and to have a laugh and smile with, but, a few people caused me problems, like not believing i am disabled, to not understanding or believing how i have had depression all my life, as usual, was ganged up on and why? because i said sorry to someone and, well, it didnt mean anything to them how i was feeling, they didnt care, they never knew that after i left that first online uk chatroom that i'd joined, that i took an overdose because theyd hurt me so much and i panicked.
they wouldn't have believed that either. its sad, as its those couple that didnt meet me in rt, in the flesh, that have caused me the most serious impact on my health, those that had met me from there, were wonderful and we all got along great, i will never forget that one shining light of a memory.
what made things worse, they are now and have been at 'my' current chatroom where i joined 7 years ago and, yes, since then i have had trouble, the usual, not believing and its downright stupid as the main culprit, she only lives a few miles away, she is more than welcome to meet my mother, my dog and i and see that we were always telling the truth and never lied or hid anything and that it was her problem and her male friends problem [he was and still is someone that you have to be careful of, i learnt the hard way, he can not keep anything to himself, he is just the type that dicusses everyones business, whether private or not, thats him. i have always tried to remain nice and friendly to them both, because that is me and, also i am scared of her, truly am.
as said in other blog, when i went back after some timeout, using the new name of sam35, yes, my close friends were told, but, those two? i didnt tell, not for awhile, why should i? they certainly were not people i classed as close friends especially after what theyd put me through., but i knew in the end they would work out it was 'me' as i can not hide who i am, i dont act. so, i sent him a little card, just saying hi and who i was, thinking, oh, he'd be happy to see me back and he'd email etc etc..he didnt, it turned out that for one whole week, he and her decided to gossip to each other, from what i was told, it was like a witches coven, so instead of getting a nice hi and everything back from him, all i got one eve when i had posted on the main corkboard, was a most heartbreaking, cruel and horrendous post left by him. i was in pieces rt, it was accusing me of not being in pain, not being disabled aand worst of all? he had decided along with her, that my dad, bless his soul, hadnt died in 2004, that broke mums heart, she cried, she even said send them his death certificate for damn proof, like me, she was inconsolable, oh yes, his post was removed, he knew he was wrong, but as usual, by then? too late, damage done rt, that was the second time my mother had got emotionally wreked by these two english people, its unbelievable the cruelness and nastiness people can show and be and, with no reason either.
as said, i have nothing to hide, infact, thats probably what makes me a target, too honest, too open and for people like them, they just want a chance to snap at you, gang up on you and make you feel as out as possible, yet, they know full well i have proof, they can/could visit me,but why is my word not good enough? yes, i can certainly understand that over the internet, anything can be said, but i have been clean as i can be, open as i can be, as i can only be me on the internet, i have no want or need to portray myself as something i am not, i also dont see the point in lying. is that so wrong to have old fashioned views and traits like that and actually be yourself, be real?.
i have always remained very wary of both of them since, have when seen their posts, replied, been me, but otherwise have kept well clear of them, just been friendly, especially to her, not that i had 'spoken' to her since her last unkind jibe about 'me threatening suicide' sadly thoug, i did mail her from the chat room, as yep, it was her room link that i wished to place in my own public room [as mentioned in earlier entry blog] so, it shook me up, as i didnt realise she was the owner of this corkboard, but as you know, i have manners, so mailed and politely asked if it was okay, was shaking like a damn leaf, i am so scared of her, she did did write back, two simple words 'no problem' so i quickly put her cork link up in my room and sighed with relief, it took me courage to mail her, silly but when you are scared of someone and what they may say to you?, you are scared. think actually her and about two other peole, were the last i had 'contact' with at that chatroom, still not been back as obviously if you have been reading, the other gang there is there,
thus, with going back after a year out for ops and rehab, i come back and have trouble with a man, although, i dont think i can even define him as a man after what he has done, its wrecked me, left me crushed, affected my mother badly rt, left myself a nervous wreck due to him using all my insecurities against me as well as everyhting else, they have all especially this year,with getting involved with him and actually thinking he was a friend, but getting emotionally trapped, frightened by him just like i was when i was married..and feel foolish and hurt more and perhaps people wont understand, but after all i had been through with him, it was so like when i was married and i became truly trapped and didnt know how to escape, plus the worse thing was, even though he used so much against me, i cared, had feelings for him as both a male and as a friend. how wrong was i. how wrong was i.
if i go back i am wrong, if i stay away, i will be wrong
i am aching inside, the internet is a major part of my rt life it really is my lifeline you know?
yet here i am, i have two lovely, one general chit chat room, anything goes and, my serene room, if someone needs a friend, or just a shoulder to lean on, these rooms are open at that chatsite where i called home for all these years, yet, i am so hurt, to distrusting, too vulnerable and frightened to go back, friends i thought were firends have messed me around/betrayed my trust, so now out of some of my female friends, the culprit still hasnt come forward, so i am left not knowing which of those three females did what they did, thus, my trust has gone with all of them, then, there is the pushy gang there, the group that think they are better than anyone else and they will happily push 'us' quieter people to the side and out of the way, as they are bullish and overbearing personalities and they make sure you know they are 'better' than you..and, lastly, well, him, hes one of the main reasons.
its hard to believe i guess, reading all this, but i do have an outgoing side, can be mad as a hatter, love a laugh, giggle and joke and can appear to be very confident and outgoing, just seem to be finding that side of myself ebbing away over the months. thats sad that my shyer/weaker side is claiming me again.
i have really gone backwards, really gone back into my shell rt.
not even heard or had email from t or s, as said, last found the strength to email them monday, perhaps life is busy for them, or, probably, i have been forgotten.
i certainly have found out who friends are and arent, its funny, those i helped in the past, did or have they offered help to me? no. i dont give to receive, but you know, sometimes, does it hurt to repay someone back with a kind word or vt hug, show friendship and honour, when you have always been there for them, no matter what?
oh hell, i want a hug, am shattered sitting here, dont know how much i have typed, or gone on about, i am sorry.
eyes hurt and are tired and sore from crying, all this worry, stress, pain etc etc, its, getting to me, badly, really badly and yes, i do feel alone as i can not stop the physical pain, i can not stop the current emotional pain thats also overwhelming myself, so i feel sort of a deep sense of loss, panic, isolation.
i really do
|
|
| Views: 554
Email This to a Friend 
