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is well gone 4am and i can not settle, i feel low, scared and vunerable. my mind is overflowing and churning with so many thoughts, i dont know maybe writing them dwn now will help, am so exhausted you know? just want to sleep, so here i am, sitting up in bed, laptop on knees with the low lamp light on, just feeling so alone.
everything, from my ex husband, daughter, so called friends at that other place, 'him' and everything else rt, is so tormenting my mind, the more i try and push thoughts away, the more they come back to the forefront of my mind. have been getting upset, i dont understand those that want to hurt, use and abuse you, you know? and what did i ever do wrong? if i had ever done wrong,,i'd be the first to hold hands up and admit it, say sorry, but all that has happened during my life, it does make me feel, what have i done, whats wrong with me for people to want to hurt me? just why. i know what comes around goes around and maybe, just maybe, all those that have seriously hurt me throughout life, will get their comeuppance, but then again,will they?, yet its me, that still suffers, i dont forget, my mind doesnt forget and really dominates and takes me over, leaving me feeling scared and vulnerable.
i know, i will lose my dog, i will lose my mum and that scares me and reduces me to tears, they are all i have, i am their rock to lean on and they keep me going, both are my rocks, my foundations, ii dont know what how or what will i do once they leave me, i will then be truly alone. am a silly mare, wiping away darn tears here cause i feel so helpless, i feel like a frightened child, i just want someone to wrap their arms me right now, just hug me and hold me you know? oh hell am scared and just can not seem to take away the turmoil of emotions surrounding and swirling around in my head, if only i could video it all, show you what i am feeling, seeing, sensing.
am making no sense at all but am writing it down anyhow as i dont know what else to do and its the only way i know to clear, or maybe try and clear, the mess my mind is doing currently, cause i really really need sleep.
a few things playing on my mind, wish , going back to mum and my dog, wish we could win just a little bit on the lotto, just to take a couple of days away all together, we last had two days away in cornwall back in 92, so long time since we had a break, i would love to see my dog see the sea, she is the only dog i have ownned that has never seen or been to a beach, paddled in the sea, id love to see that, id love to spend more relaxing time with mum and my grily mutt, instead of these four walls, same thing day in day out, but then, i am wrong for complaining arent i, that makes me selfish i know it does and that make me weep even more, heck am trying not to get this laptop wet with these tears, i am hurting both emotionally and mentally so much, the only thing i can be grateful ffor as i type this, is my physical pain is still the same 8-9 out of ten , leeast its no higher, have taken pk's even took a sleeping pill, as when i left the thoughts site earlier, i had begun to grow lower and lower and i abhor feeling like this, getting so distressed especiallly this hour of the mmorning, its so quiet, time is dragging and its not helping at all. head is aching with all the thoughts and stress as well as the crying i am doingg. may ring the samaritans for a quick chat too, that may help, least they dont tell you to cheer up, or keep your chin up, like some people tennd to do and say to those of us that do suffer chronic depressionn its the worst thing anyone could say, depression is mmuch more different, complexed, to just feeling sad, its much more embedded and deeper than thatt
i feel so weak, i dont like showing my weak side like thiss, aam going to get a drink and make a phone call i think. i will bounce back , i normally do and have to anywway, as too many people rely on me,, i can not let people down
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