View Blog    ramble life has been somewhat difficult, the emptiness i feel inside, it has been absolutely hell trying to cope with rt with the way i am and feeling. the mask has slipped more and more in the past week or so, i am feeling even more fragile, if someone is nice to me, it just makes me burst into tears. was bathing mum the other night, there was her in the bath, me kneeling, hanging over the edge, just hugging each other whilst i just sobbed. those who know me well enough, know this is an even harder time of year for me, with christmas aproaching and of course, january, which is one of the toughtest months of the year for me. healthwise, usual, pain 8/10 reaching apeak every now and then, didnt help last thursday, as had nasty slip on black ice and, fell slap bang on my front, catching my thigh on the corner of a concrete step, so, there i was getting stitches done for a lovely deep gash. it certainly didnt help my spine or neck, but least i fell forward and not backwards. the stitches as most know, four came loose, so back i had to go to have them redone next day. my cold has eased and the antibiotics have helped, am just left now with layngitis and darn, its awkward as i have to be so careful about not spreading any germs etc on my clients i care give to, damn, that reminds me, still need to find out more about that other one off injection for mum. i feel though i am going back into my shell again its not easy coping with everything on my own, my self esteem has lowered alot again and that always gives me a feeling of worthlessness, guess thats why anyone that shows me any compassion, even smiles at me, i just begin to weep. the people in the local part of our village shops, they know how near the edge i am at the moment, that cliff looks more tempting day by day, but no, i must hold on for mum and j dog. nothing exciting has happened rt, as you all know, my social life is home/village shops and well, here, thats it. today been quite hassled and hectic, had to get to the hospital for both check up and get all nine stitches removed, its strange a paper cut can drive me mad and hurt like hell, but a huge deep gash and all the other traumas i have suffered?, dont know, guess you get used to agony, shrugs, i dont know and have forgotten what it is like to be out of pain, both with my health and emtionally. a nurse at the hospital got  chatised  for telling me to keep my chin up, she soon backed down and apologised when the dr told her that you dont tell someone who suffers for severe depression and also pain to cheer up, so she gave me a hug and i wept, again. i can not seem to control these feelings and tears, yet i still need to put the flipping mask on and try and hold my head up high and continue with all else that need me in life and try and push how i am right to the back. then, when alone, i am myself, i curl up and sob, feel isolated and just feel a sense of nothingness, just wanting someone to hold me anyone, to feel the pain i am feeling and to understand. have kept up my meditation, reiki and of course channeling, but it is exhausting, but lleast it gives me a purpose and always has done throughout my life so far, its what i am here for, others.  thats why if anyone asks how i am, i weep, as i feel bad and a burden even mentioning how i am feeling inside, so again, i will keep quiet and remain silent, best way i think. back from putting mum to bed to continue the last of this, she is tired but okay. meant to say, heard from a friend today 's', she sent me a birthday card, bless hher, she with all the problems her and her husband have, she thought she had forgotten my birthday, so she was feeling silly when she realised it was march. heck, shes trying to make me older before i am due, but it was just nice to actually get a card with a note in too, things like that, the personal rt touch of actual writing rather than using the internet, is nice.  and for me, it like most things people/friends send me, get kept, otherwise, just sorted a couple of bills out, post them tomorrow and then guess better fill up with pk's, got my tens on tonight, does help ease the pain andd am sipping my homemade lemon and honey drink to help my throat, course, all this weeping isnt helping.  okay, enough for now,, need to get online, not been on much with everything rt today. may go and answer some posts at thoughts,take mind off things, otherwise all else will have tto wait, as i am tired out and can not deal with any upset tonight. okay enough.sign off         Posted by kentlass on 2007-11-22 15:36:23 | Rating: | Views: 590     Email This to a Friend Friend's Email *    Friend's Name*    Your Name*    Security code*    Refresh Image                 Print This Blog Post     Bookmark: Delicious  Digg  Reddit  Facebook  StumbleUpon    Permalink:      Blog Comments    prayer for your pain - and anyone else hurts you today send them over - right now I am 250 pounds of pure attitude, with plenty to spare.- peace lass. have a restful night. Posted by  2rivers  on 2007-11-22 16:03:51     Nighty night, lass. I hope you wake up to a whole new world tomorrow. ox Posted by  Pauligan  on 2007-11-22 19:20:49     {{Hugz}} and tissues Kentlass. We're all still here. Support is all we've got to offer but maybe that's what you need most, while you support all those others. I don't doubt 2rivers' either, him being fra Glesga an a'... lol Namaste Posted by  scotslad60  on 2007-11-23 06:33:51     I really do hope that things get better for you soon, just remember, everybody on here cares about you :) Posted by  PennyT  on 2007-11-23 17:00:19     An old Aussie passing a rose over to the Great British Isles Posted by  Rancher  on 2007-11-23 17:23:57     I pray for you kentlass. And i hope your tomorrow come see much light out. For god help you and give you hope and strenght and belief. many hugs to you kentlass from me. Posted by  Ottehey  on 2007-11-24 08:23:42     i'm thinking of you kentlass i hope things improve we love you very much XxhugsxX Posted by  missmarie  on 2007-11-24 14:23:43     hug i will prayer for you Kent you sound to down Posted by  galena  on 2007-11-24 14:26:14     aaaawwwww who deleted that awful comment from yesterday...? for that blatantly insensitive person who left that comment yesterday... I was going to ask you if you had kicked a dog or a cat on your way to work today?... because it seems that is what you like to do.... you like to kick people when they are hurt and down... and replay the same old broken record.. I seem to be hearing all over the site lately… which is aimed at discrediting Kentlass's character…. I am really fed up with the attitudes of some people towards Kentlass..... Did you all sit down and talk about Kentlass so much.. that you are all sputting the same comments over and over again…? It is an obvious attack now to discredit her character.. and to shake her own foundation since she is already hurt and down……to make her doubt herself….. since SHE as a sensitive soul... and is the kind who is self analytical.. and always tries not to hurt others…… which is the last resort .. because you cannot discredit what she is saying….. many people do agree with her on what she is saying.. and if you don’t.. you do not have to stoop to such low ends as to try to discredit her chacrater…. It only shows the world what kind of person YOU are… By the world I mean .. those of us who are not so blind to see what is going on… those of us who do not need charming empty words to put before our eyes…. We see what is going on…. Even though we didn’t say so before…. I usually leave people alone…. They can live their lives anyway they want….. they can lie and cheat… and portray themselves as charming people while they enlarge their own ego…. They can act and win Oscars I am sure… all that I do see… and ignore.. they can do what they like….. and those who believe them… I feel sorry for them…. I try to say a few things to wake them up… but some people don’t want to wake up…… so fine… to each how own…. BUT….. when you start hurting someone as nice as Kentlass… I draw the line there…. I am usually careful .. because anything I might say..which people might disagree with…. Or if they just don’t like ME.. or my personality… SOME people will GLADLY take it and say AHA.. its because she is a muslim… and they will start bashing islam…. Well if you want to do that… please take a number and stand in line…. There are many people ahead of you….. Such is the world I have to live in now….. But I really don’t care anymore.. You want to take cheap shots at me.. my religion… my character… go ahead… I really don’t care…. I stand before you with open arms… I am an easy target… take your best shot… Just remember… I really don’t care…. I could care less what people with attitudes like YOU think, people with low standards of behaviour… and low values .. who are emotionally and spiritually challenged .. who hurt others and take them to pieces slowly and skillfully while playing the victim or the devine …. Because I see you for what you are…. Go ahead…. Just leave nice gentle people like Kentlass alone…she already has enough problems in her own life… to have to worry about being psychologically attacked by you guys on the very site she has been spreading love and caring in. the very site she is seeking refuge in from her own troubled life… And what is her crime? That she cared… and people loved her for it… and paid attention to her…. Something which you guys cant handle…. You think your view of the world is the only one that should be abided by? You think everybody on the planet has the same personality you do? Or should have ?.. because only you are correct….? Well I don’t want Kentlass to develop a character like YOU… I don’t want her to loose her sensitivity and become a stone like YOU I like her the way she is…. Every person is a package.. you accept them as they are if you are really saying you like them…. Or pretending to like them…. If she changes and becomes non-caring insensitive.. like you would have her belief she should… then she will not longer care about your feelings or the feelings of others as much as she does… she will not talk to people for the mere purpose of making them feel better… (and not so she can feel like a guru)….she will not sit there for hours typing up prayer requests for people while she is aching in her body and back… and can only see clearly with one eye…......She will not work as a care giver to people who need physical help and someone to listen to them…. When she is already in pain everyday and taking pain killers all the time…. Have YOU done any of that? I don’t want her to change… she doesn’t need to change…. If YOU people cant handle that .. then too bad…. The fault does not lie with people like kentlass who keep the world peaceful and kind… it lies with people like YOU who try to scratch it to pieces and tear all her work down…and her as well…. I think you should really get yourselves checked… there is something wrong with your priorities in life…and your soul..... Should I apologize for saying any of this? But after all this is the freedom of speech you are all preaching…. Freedom to say anything .. even if it hurts others…….. and I really haven’t said anything.. :) I have actually restrained myself…. I could have said a lot more…. I am sure you are not sensitive enough to have any of this hurt you…. And if it does hurt.. I am sure you will use it to ‘build character’…. I am sure you will take shots at me… go ahead… I really don’t care anymore…. But I will not sit by while you hurt people like Kentlass …. I would say you should be ashamed of yourselves… but I doubt you know what that means…. In your absorption of the ME ME ME world you are living in…. things like shame and manners and values and respect seem to have flown out the window and have been blindly replaced with words like freedom of speech and liberated and character and strength and love and bla bla bla… all of which are used OUT of context… to mask what you are really doing....But to others they sound great…. So take a shot… Try to flag me… Try to play the victim…. Try to deny things…. Try to discredit me….. Try to attack me…. Try to shred me to pieces… I really don’t care…. Just stop hurting this poor lady …..... and grow up .. Posted by  Traveler  on 2007-11-25 00:57:50     Hi Kentlass.....I am so sorry you are going through these things alone. I wish I could help. Please know my prayers are with you and your mum. I don't know what I would do were I in your shoes. I don't know that anything I say can help at all. Just come back and maybe just being here a little helps take your mind off things some. Hugs! I bet your mom thinks you are an angel...so below is for you. Angels Most people I know believe in angels. Even some of the ones who are a bit uncertain in their belief in God still believe in angels. Why is this? Maybe it is because it feels right to believe in a force of goodness higher than ourselves. God has far too often been mistakenly shown as a punisher of us. Angels, however, are almost always shown delivering God's messages of love and joy, helping us in our times of need, and aiding us in our desire to do good. We so often fall short of that desire that it is comforting to know that there are forces stronger than us willing to help us in our efforts. I myself believe deeply in angels. I believe that God is a god of love and that God wishes for us to be full of love, joy, peace, and happiness. I believe that God sends his angels to help us constantly whenever we need them whether we believe in them or not. We are all put here to love each other, to help each other, and to do good for each other. Sometimes, though, we need some help. Sometimes are own efforts fall short of what we need. That is when angels appear. Most of the time we don't even see them or realize their presense, but I know that they are there helping us, protecting us, and loving us. There are other angels in this world too. These are angels that we can see everyday. They are what I call angels in disguise. They are the people around us whose love, joy, goodness, and light brighten our lives. They are the people whose very presense makes our lives better, more enjoyable, and happier than we could ever hope. They are the people who live in the Kingdom of God even while they are here on earth. Yes, I do believe in angels. I believe angels are all around us. I believe some of them fly down from heaven and some of them are people you know. ~ Joseph J. Mazzella ~ Posted by  CountryRoads  on 2007-11-25 01:01:35     Traveler, someone did post an awful comment yesterday, and their thoughts.com account was deleted. This is not acceptable at any times. However, this person was not attacking kentlass personally. They were attacking anybody and everybody they wanted to. When this happens our team deletes such individuals. We need everyone to please stop flaming the fires with counterproductive comments. Things are now under control, so if everyone will please calm down and take a deep breath this issue will be done with. Posted by  thoughts_staff  on 2007-11-25 13:28:05     The Lord puts you on my heart daily, so I am continuing to pray. His love for you out stretches the skies. Just like the widows mite, you may think you have little worth but in God's economy the value of your life is worth for above earthly treasures. He gave me a picture of you as a mother hen covering her chicks, loving and protecting them. You are a person who is a leader and cares greatly for those who follow you. God Bless You! Posted by  Beloved  on 2007-11-25 13:31:31     i am quite new here, but i care about Kentlass a huge ammount, but i feel that i have missed what is going on! When i first came here a few weeks ago Kentlass was the first to hold out a hand of friendship to me, i saw a kind loving woman with her own emotional turmoils, but she worked hard at sharing her love and thoughts with others and even created a place for us to go to with our problems, i could see from her posts that many people turned to her in their times of need, maybe even some took advantage of her kind and generous nature, but she still made time for all those who asked for help and advice! i didn't see the bad comment on this page, and i do not fully understand the politics of the situation, but i am shocked to learn that someone has hurt such a loving and wonderful woman in this way. i am sorry Kentlass, i hope we see you again, thoughts will be empty without your words love and hugs xxx Posted by  missmarie  on 2007-11-25 13:47:50     lassie, i read and dont dont take ya life, ok? doncha let any one beat you down Posted by  danax  on 2007-11-25 19:23:27     I hope you'll be ok. You'll be in my thoughts... Posted by  CavedogRob  on 2007-11-25 19:33:37     Dear Thoughts team... Thank you for your support.... I hope you dont think my comment was counter productive because i was only defending Kentlass from many people, not just one.... and not just one comment. the comment yesterday was just teh last straw for me. not sure which user you deleted, or which one you thoguht we were talking about.... but the user who left the last comment yesterday is called EWOW... and she is still there, her blog is still there. I dont know if she has been bothering others, but her comment HERE was very insensative... so it was deleted.... Thank you again for your help.... T. Posted by  Traveler  on 2007-11-25 22:26:20     Kentlass, It's so nice to see you have so many people that care about you! That is priceless. Posted by  trevorjohn  on 2007-11-26 10:28:26     Just wanted to let you know I'm sending love and healing energy your way...And thank you for allowing your true light to shine in spite of the struggles and adversity. You're an inspriation to us! Posted by  reikilightworkers  on 2007-11-26 19:37:58     I'll whisper a prayer for you, kentlass. Posted by  SubTomato  on 2007-11-26 22:13:29     it took me forever to get to the bottom of the page and I too like a few ahead of me have no idea who said what to you, all I am able to deduce was that someone or many people hurt you and for that, I am sorry for you...you certainly have more friends than foes..and more support than you would ever dream possible, hang in there and know, we are all thinking good thoughts for you and our head thinker threw the bad guys out and will be on the lookout protecting you in the future...like you have said a million times to others...warm prayers.... poppet? Posted by  roe  on 2007-11-27 01:18:38     hon, you have sooo many caring for you and wishing you well. i don't care what that horrible person said, i'm just glad they are gone. waiting to see the shine you give off when you come back. my prayers are with you sweetie. :) Posted by  bookgirl  on 2007-11-27 09:41:09     sorry, it has taken me awhile to step back into this post, am sorry my last two entries have bbeen about me and, rather bleak - but, thank you alll for ccaring and for all who mailed too. if i can and sttay i will try and go back to putting jokes and poems upp, just not been upto iit tthank you all again - hugs and roe, poppet is a pet word, same as sweetheart, genttle nod and hug sent Posted by  kentlass  on 2007-11-29 17:08:38  Would you like to comment?