i am unused to opening my heart or feelings to people, prefering to keep my problems to myself and just being there for others, i always feel like a burden if i confide in someone when i am feeling desperate.
exhaling, last night after writing here, i cried and wept myself to sleep simply because i felt selfish, i had written about myself and that makes me feel bad for some reason, people say i am worth it etc but if thats so, why do i feel selfish for writing my feelings out.
at this minute, i am feeling flat and distant, i did get out today and went and sat outside my usual coffee shop with mum and my dog, is chilly and windy today but the sun was shining and breaking through the clouds. i went into the shop, p was on duty today till d comes back, i got yesterdays 'blog' printed out, she read it and cried and i cried, we both just hugged and had to have a little laugh at how daft we must look. its nice and i appreciate the safeness of my village, everyone knows me and knows what emotional pain and physical pain i am in and it helps, they are all good to me and if i ever feel weepy or panicked along there, i can go in any of the shops and know they will comfort me and talk to me, thats all it takes for me to calm and thats for someone to just talk and hug me, it seems to settle me, or if i need to sit and rest due to pain, then thats not a problem, everyone along there is kind to me and i have made alot of friends over the years, although many of the shops have different owners now, though sometimes, they return just to look around the area and you sometimes see them and its really lovely.
when i had settled we then came home, i am proud and pleased, albeit in terrible pain, but have managed to have a bath today,it is something i have not been able to do due to my back and i have to be very careful as i can get in the bath but then not get out, especially with my arm and everything too, so thought i would turn on my computer and come here and type while my painkillers are settling in. i stayed in the bath for about an hour, it was really nice, okay, i am paying for it now painwise, but god it was lovely after so long and i do have to pick and chose when i am safe enough physically to get in and out of it, so i feel good about that, least i got a soak and feel better. anyone who has constant pain will understand its the little things that make a difference.
my dog will not leave my side, she seems to know when i need someone close, she is beside my chair at the moment snoring, shes elderly now, 11, she has been a saviour to me.
thoughts wise, a bit calmer at the moment, been thinking about someone we all knew, she lived only 5 roads down from us and worked as a dinner lady, around my age too, only used to smile and say a hi, but she committed suicide a few weeks ago, t left a husband and children behind though.
was also thinking of another lady, m, she often sat with us and had a coffee, she died a few months back, you miss people and miss seeing them.
trying not to be morbid, but was also thinking of someone else who died that i never would have got the chance to meet, i had known her alittle via the chat room, we posted now and then to each other and then wrote postally, i only found out sunday night from actually reading a friends email, that she died and lost her fight to cancer a few days before on the friday, it knocked me, but i am glad she is at peace.
as for email, again, only since sunday night have i risked looking after taking a real step back, dont think people understand the guts it takes me to actually do something simple like that, but as i was told to try and step back from my main email and avoid the chatroom i have down and well as i have said, i am too nervous and frightened to even go anywhere near that chatroom,, but i miss the lifeline it gave me, last time i spoke to someone there was the 9th sept, she helped alot and it was her that made me choose to get to that phone quick and get away from the place, i dont even know her real name, only her member nick name, but she has always been so kind, leaving lovely notes in my open rooms and in mailroom at the chatsite. perhaps when the time is right, i will find a way of thanking her for that help, she hasnt got my private email, but i will thank her.
a nother person whom has shown great kindness, t, he is very shy also, thankfully though he is ablle to get out and about, he works and goes out with friends, but i feel for him as i know what it feels like to feel sort of invisible. let me explain, at the chatsite for years i just 'talked' on the corkboard, sometimes in the mailroom but otherwise really hid myself from public view, but people knew how to contact me if they needed me. when i took alittle time out due to my account expiring, i hadnt planned on reopening it and didnt want to go in a 'was' or 'formally was' and then my nickname, so, with help of friends they suggested using my daughters name, sam and my age, so for awhile i became sam35, only my very close friends knew it was me, i let others know after i felt settled again. then, out of the blue on my birthday i was presented with a new account, was shocked and happy and couldnt believe they had clubbed together to do that for me, the only snag was, it was a new account, not my old one, thus, that meant choosing another new primary nick name as my old account was still there and i couldnt use the name i was in that, so another name was made, very similar to my original nickname and very apt, although i do miss my old nickname. think my old account has been cleared away now, unsure, so i guess if i wanted i could use that name that i first ever joined as, but i am happy with what was chosen and decided, it really suits me and my life and how i am as a person [sorry if i am rambling] so for some years i have and still have that 'new' nick name along with the old ones that i used to have.
as i said in my first entry, had to have two ops, 05 and 06 thus i had to take a whole year almost away from the net, that was hard, very hard, but i was unable to type till my physio and arm was completely moble again, then course, the unexpected urgent op in 06 was a shook, although i am covered in even more scars now, but it doesnt matter.
so anyway, was able to actually get back on the net in dec 06, was so wonderful, was the best present i could have had as i had got too low during time away from any contact and i missed people, even though i could pick up the phone and call the support groups etc etc, it wasnt and isnt the same.
all was ok at first, till i met him, then it all went downhill. for sometime i really came out of my shell, actually went out in the open more in the chatrooms and it was great, really great, but in jan 07 out of the blue, got letter that ntl were removing their web access, course, i went into sheer panic and was distraught, cutting a long story short, thats why in feb i got myself a computer, a nice laptop, still getting used to it.
okay, going back to chat site and what i was saying, yes, from meeting him things started to alter, really went downhill, i was getting alot of anon mails being cruel and then some others joined the chat room, they are fairly pushy and for someone like me, it was too much and like some others, i had to move out from the place i used to chat alot in as i didnt feel the same atmosphere, plus i was dealing with him too as well as even more rt deaths and it was all just getting worse and worse.
you know, you think adults would be adults, but age does not mean you are an adult as i have found out, alot of people there are adults but they dont behave like it, being over 18 and offically an adult doesnt mean they are, hell, i have seen so much at that place and it still gets to me that people act so cruel are so childish and nasty even, when they should know better.
suffice to say [sorry, i am getting low and tired rt so wilol have to stop shortly] i got messed around more and more, to the point where my spirit and trust was wrecked, its awful when you dont know who you can really trust and who you can not. i dont know if or when i can venture back to that place, if i dont go back, looks like they have 'won' and if i do go back can i really cope if anymore starts up?
its strange, because i went on a high for a week or so, felt strangely happy, then i crashed to earth hard.
i did go back after taking a week out end of aug this year, i even put a post up on the corkboard beginning of sept, just asking others to show compassion and be kind to one another, as i had seen to many like, r, leaving completely because of the spite shown towards him as well alot of others that had been driven away from openly posting on the cork due to anon attacks, that i still believe in my heart that they are members, just not logged in and not using their member names and after posting that, never ventured there again. i asked a friend, t and s, to let me know if anyone needed good thoughts or prayers etc, as they were often asked for on the corkboard and yes, i would if the post was there, always answer and always make a post in the public healing room at the chatroom and also light a candle rt, as thats me, who i am and what i do,
i didnt want to visit the board anymore as all i kept seeing was people getting attacked and sniped at, hence my post i put up.
so, that left me with just my mailroom and the other cork boards to look at, as i didnt and hadnt felt like posting in open rooms to chat, too low and too unhappy, also occupied my mind with the ie games, did find a nice cork board with rt pictures and to do with photos, i mailed the person who owned it and asked if i could put the cork link into my own room, silly perhaps, but have always liked to ask permission before putting someones room link up. then, course the sunday, 9th i really went into crisis, i had had enough, i had seen him about with his troops and it just hit me so hard and i broke, thats when that female so kindly helped me, she could not have mailed me at a better moment, i was shattered and sobbing my heart out as i said, i will get round to thanking her for her help that eve, it meant alot.
okay i am going to have to go now, sorry if my writing isnt up to scratch and spelling etc is lacking, i am due to get a headset soon, thus i will be able to use voice recognition, that will help i will be able to actually command my comp and actually talk and hear people too, especially the support groups and perhaps the couple of people on msn if they have the same and want to talk back, or anyone for that matter.
rambling over for now, need rest am very tired. hugs to all
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