i did okay here yesterday evening, downloaded some pictures after doing my entry and even listened to some of my project playlist, been a long time since listened to music. i then hit a low, a song began, i turned it off very quickly but it was too late, it had triggered the tears and brought me right down.
i did eventually sleep, was difficult even piled with pills, due to the pain and also feeling so down. wish you had a switch to turn the mind off, allow some rest, then again, it would be nice if there was a button to switch off the body pain too. roll back on the 14th, i can then get at least a little relief again from the pain clinic, thats just to ease my shoulder and neck, as for my other pain like my spine, knee etc etc, i have warning flags to look out for and plenty of painkillers and skin patches as well as my tens, also can contact my ortho by email or even his mobile phone if any major signs. my other ortho that deals with my neck and shoulder i have to contact his office instead by phone. so all my consultants from neuro to ortho's to drs and ent etc, least i can contact them. october is busy, flu shot, pain clinic and ent, at ent it will be usual ear/hearing test, nasal check and need to ask more about my cleft palate.
 this morning i got that headset, it came, now i just have to find people that want to voice talk with me, i should have felt delighted when it came and i opened it, but i felt down and like i have done since waking, shed some tears, keep breaking down. i hope someone will want to talk with me or have some contact with me. even seeing the amazon box, reminded me of 'him' that hasnt helped.
have not used msn for long time either and sad i know, but i have only three people on it, did have anothe, m, but he decided to uninstall as he'd broken up with his bf and well, he knew i wasnt using it much to talk etc at the time due to rt.
so here i am, typing this, the tears keep forming this afternoon and my weaker side feels like its taken more of a grip again and i dont like it and am frightened, i feel like an emotional yo yo, again something i should be used to after all these years, but this year as said, i have been fully pushed to the brink.
i just want to be accepted for the way i am and not be forgotten and rejected just because i am shyer and more fragile than most when that side of me rears its head.
is that too much to ask to have kindness and a sense of belonging because i am the same on the internet as i am rt
is this blog a good idea as i still feel so bad at being selfish at expressing myself and my own problems, when normally i hide them, be there for others and be bright and a bubbly as possible regadless of how i am really feeling. i am just the sort of person that if i am feeling happy i'll show it, if i am not i will show it, i dont see the point in not being the real me and always have been from the very first time of ever finding and using the internet.
i am rambling again, i feel flat and just so empty at this moment and sure i should have an invested in the kleenex tissue department, have used so many of the things over the years. perhaps in an hour or so i'll feel abit brighter again, i will cross my fingers.
i so want someone to hug me tightly who really understands right now
am going to have to go, mum needs me and i need to be brave for her, yes shes read all i wrote so far and she wept, she knows how difficult everything is
i just want a hug