am half asleep, just undressed mum, tended to her and she is now safe and snuggled in bed, so i can come here quickly and ramble and bore everyone before i to go and get some sleep, hopefully.
had really lovely email from the thoughts team, they are nice arent they? to me, it rebuilds faith that there are still 'nice and 'genuine' people out there, whom actually care.
i have been abit brighter today in myself, still feeling rough from the darn migraine, but apart from that, tried to get as much done as i felt able to today. have got t do net curtain washing, but,ugh, that can wait.
what else? oh, did mail s and t tonight, hadnt heard from them all week. heard from s instantly which was nice, but odd, not sure she really understands depression though, even mum said it doesnt appear many realise how i am grasping hard at each moment of each day, especially over the last month. mum and others rt, apart from myself, noticed i was building up to a more 'intense' period of depression, where i'd have to be strong and find that extra fight in myself - which, think i have done so far 'touch wood'
from friday onwards, till i get my computer back, that'll be the biggest test for me to cope with, so think of me, pass so good thoughts my way and also, hope with me, that they fix my comp quickly so i can get my lifeline back.
so, had a brief email from her, as said, dont think she understands - she'd been to that chat site and seen my thank you etc in my room, i replied, but that was several hours ago, not heard from her since.
really wish people would understand or at least try. not heard from t at all yet, but then he maybe busy, i dont know.
this is 'odd' as you, the 'reader' of this, probably think i dont 'fight' or look on the positive side etc etc, please believe me, i do have a sense of humour and usually am fairly bubbly, yeah, i know, doesnt seem it - but, then you mmust appreciate that i really am on a 'downer' and not just my 'usual' up and down all day modes - this is constant again - thus, i can only type how i am coping while trying to 'ride' it through
it.
hmm, what else, oh, think i have done all i can about my computer now, sent as much info over to my internet email address's etc - hope they havent got to remove the hard disk drive [and thank heck i havent got to pay for it] as then i am going to have to reinstall msn, my windows email - blah, blah..grr, blah.
aye, have got a last data backup filed on dvd-r, thankfully managed to do my last back up friday, day before my comp 'broke' otherwise? can not do any new backups, watch dvds, play cds' etc..a pain in the butt and a streful wrry one could have done without, but, lets hope it can be fixed and quick and without me being left with too much more to deal with on its return - thats all i ask.
still got my barriers and wall up around me, guess i feel 'safer'? dont know - hope i dont come across as unfriendly or anything, as i truly am friendly - lets just say, last few months, too many so called friends have messed with my mind/emotions and health, so guess its natural for me to feel vulnerable, if thats the correct term.
wondering if those that cause most of my upset, looked into the room? wonder if seeing that i had 'been' there eased their consciences, probably not, shrugs, who knows what goes through minds of bullies - regardless of their ages, in my eyes, they should feel ashamed.
but, in reality? no, i know they will still see themselves as the 'good' guys and think they are so cool to hurt others, perhaps one day, suffice to say, perhaps they'll need kindness in return, they might stop and take at lon g, hard look at themseleves, at their attitudes etc - one can hope the bad will change, but, its upto them if they do ..after all will he change? no in truth i can not see that and anyway, to be honest? i expect he is being treated as a 'hero' and lapping up the attention from the rest of the gang that surrounds him - as i say, doesnt bother him what he's done, doesnt bother the others that have been unkind, shown their true colours to me during this time and hurt me more, they have no conscience, but i just wish, pray, why do they not comprehend the damage they have done to me? they dont care at that chat site to them, its all a game, just fun, dont know who is worse, the males or females there - females probably, judging by what i have seen and witnessed over the years.tell you something, there is nothing worse when you have been messed about so much to the point where you dont trust hardly any of them - its horrible to not feel 'trust'
i hope they all feel happy with how its left me feeling about myself, the nightmares its causing and, this deeper round of depression i am wading through - just hope they are proud of their 'work'
they have really done alot emotionally/mentally to me, i know they have - havent felt some of these emotions/feelings since i was in my late teens, so quite a few years back. its really knocked me -truly am not sure how i am going to 'deal' with this, i will admit.
okay, call me daft, but i try and always see good in everyone, but i refuse to change, i can not change and most importantly, why should i?
as i have always said, what you see with me, is what you get - take me or leave me.
lit a candle today, if you didnt realise, i am more into channeling and try to channel as much as i can to help others and, i must stress, it is only for good and also anything - whether something major, to something quite tiny - if people wish my 'help' i will try and help.
okay, am going to leave a poem tonight, shouldnt type much more, as my eyes are going abit blurry again plus, its time to get more pain killers, perhaps ease my body alittle ready for me to hopefully get some sleep -i so want a good nights sleep - proper 'restful sleep'.
These are a silent parcel of angels
dressed in white silk and gold
that arrive gently on pink sunsets
through darkness, we are told
lifting a soul with gossamer pearls called wings
magnificence and grace from all beauty in things
touching a heart, and guiding with hand
a path to Heaven, from a distance of land
Such journeys surpass all rivers, and seas
pure and simple, the wind through the trees
where all earthly pleasures become no more
while a Heaven's desire opens this door
A path of God, His one final domain
Greatness becomes from enduring much pain
Quietly, we leave here, beyond all we can see
where choirs of angels sing of sweet eternity.
...................
goodnight, be kind to another - it costs nothing
blessed be
love & light xo
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