this blog may help, may not, but it was introduced to me by a friend who knows how hard and how difficult things are for me. perhaps here, i can just relay my fear, my feelings with no abuse, no worry about trust etc etc. none of it may make sense, but, i will give it a try, as my friend said, anything that keeps me going is a bonus.
guess you realise i am low, low is the wrong phrase, i feel more than low and have always felt this way for all my life, feel the odd one out, the blacksheep, alone, no sense of belonging.
the only things that are keeping me going is my mum and my dog, am weeping as i type this as i am scared when they do go, my mum is elderly and she is my rock, my best friend in the world, same as my dog is too, i live for them.
was adopted, taken from my blood mother as a baby for my own safety, put in care, fostered and eventually adopted at 4 years old. i adore my mum, but i feel a burden to her. i have always been highly sensitive and have been through much, too much, yes, i have tried commiting suicide several times when i was a teen, didnt work, i dont feel up to putting everything done that has wrecked my life, yes i have fought and i am here now still as i vowed to my mum that while she and my dog were alive, i wouldnt do a thing to myself, that vow i will keep, but it is so hard so damn hard.
yes, i have seen hospital after hospital, shrinks on and off ever since i was a child, pills till i have been a zombie, therapy, group therapy, have tried everything, but, due to whats happened to me during my life, apart from having my brain erased, there is nothing more that can be done for me, as the past and present is something you have to just try and cope with, baby steps. i have been so hurt so many times, my self esteem is rock bottom. i am friendly, i want friends, but am and always have been so very scared to allow anyone near or into my heart now for many years. sadly, i did allow someone into my life,my feelings etc only to be badly hurt and for my mum to be affected too, yes, it was someone off the internet, but, i got trapped, abit like when i was married, i fell for him almost straight away, though had a nagging doubt also, i wish with every fibre in me i had never ever gone near him, but i was so drawn in, it was only after a few months that after hours spent with him, the lies, contridictions came out, i have it all in proof. as it was a chat site and i was, still am a member there.
he was so friendly, i felt i could relax, but then, on the other hand very moody and it did kind of worry me, but, when you spent hours at a time with someone, you think they care, you think they are a friend at least, you cant help but develop feelings and i did, i cared very much, i wrote postally to him and he even sent mum and i a card each, mum and i even saved up and sent a cd to him,which he claimed to never have got, so amazon sent another, again same story, since thewn though, amazon who have always been good to me, refunded money to me for the distress caused, as they now think like me, that he did receive those cd's and probably sold them and being though he lives in denver/america,  no one can actually go and knock his door. we only bought him the gift as we had missed his birthday and i had bought my first ever computer, as before i was with ntl webtvinternet, so had no choice but to buy via installments, he offered to help, at first i believed him, but he never did and i never expected him to
but the two cards he sent were lovely thats the good side, but the bad side grew worse.he used my insecurities to hurt me and by then, he know what hurt and what didnt, but i was trapped, really trapped. yes, filed everything. mum was affected alot, i emailed him, he never bothered to reply, guilt i guess, but thing is, its me, its mum who are left suffering, while he is still at the chat site and to top it all, seems like everyone supports him, little do they realise what he is really like and i can not do a thing, too frightened to go back there. funny how people stand by the bad guys and shun me when i havent done a thing wrong, he and his little troop of females have stuck together like glue and i bet knowing him as much as i do, i bet things have been said behind my back from him to others, i know he'd do that, as when i ever had a nasty mail/msg, i showed it to him, but he could never give proof himself. hell this probably makes no sense. to top all this three people there i confided rt fears to, one of them blabbed, which one, i dont know, and iit hurts more than anything as one is friends with a female i am kind of wary and nervous of, she hasnt been nice to me and the other one is the friend of the person i was worried about, i know one of them talked as i heard from the female concerned the next morning and no, i wasnt being nasty at all, i was admitting fears as she seemed too pushy, suddenly too nice and also was getting very friendly with him. its akward to explain, but anyway was probably either of them two, the other female has emailed me, but for last two weeks i have been too down and have not answered anyone.
and yes again, all filed, learnt that since getting my comp, file everything, incase.
thats just the internet, rt is harder for me, i suffer alot of pain with my back, left shoulder and neck as well as many other health problems, last couple of years have been hard, two ops, one in nov 05 on my shoulder/neck, very bad move and made my problems and pain even worse and after 16 years of my dr ignoring me, saw another one who raced me into hospital  to find that the symptoms i'd had for all those years was due to a severe inflamed gallbladder, had it removed end of august, was difficult being in hospital again, didnt sleep that night, but least it was keyhole again and only when i woke up, was told i could go home next day, i really cried with relief, i just wanted to be back in my home where i feel secure and safe. i do get dla help for higher care .
i try and go out each day in my safe areas, only places i am very familiar with and so long as i have someone with me, even then if i am low etc even that is hard, going in the garden this year has been a no no for me. but when i do go out into my local village, i have support and friends there, mum and i and my dog sit outside the coffee shops , i am friendly, but too shy to exchange  numbers[ personal reasons] and if people even females want to meet up etc etc etc, i just say no, even though i'd like to say yes, something has always held me back. i can not explain.
i wear my heart on my sleeve too much, i always be me and never try and be something i am not. i always try and be thoughtful, so that makes me a target for others, some have said i should harden up, but i can not change who i am, this is me. i am real and i only want to be accepted, liked maybe for being me, i dont go round hurting others, if anything, i do too much to help others and forget about myself, well, to me, if i can make someone feel happy, it does make me feel not so damn worthless. though again, those that really know me have tried drumming it into me that i am lovely, generous, etc etc etc, but, i am not good at taking compliments as my self esteem is pretty much ziltch. so to keep me going, i have mum, i have my dog, i have internet and for now they keep me alive, sad arent i. i wish i was normal like everyone else. i am no way perfect, but all i have known in life is pain, hurt, cruelness and now even cyber bullying as i was informed thats what it is and god i went and have been through enough bullying since a child and throughout adult life, so all this thats been happening this year, its wreking my spirit, think all i have done is cry, its been one thing after another.
you would think at my age, i could and should be used to mental,emotional and physical pain all the time, but i admit i am not, thats sometimes when i lie,some see me as bubbly and i fib about being alright, when really i am not as most just tell you cheer up or something like that and sympathy is not want i want, just acceptance and some compassion as i give all i can to others and its real it is genuine, i actually care and i am actually real.
yes, there are groups i can ring and do if really need, which of late has been alot again as i dont know who to talk to and the dr cant do anything, well apart from lock me up so to speak and believe me, that would definitely be the last thing i need, it would kill me and not only that, all they can do it talk and pile me with drugs, its not drugs i need, its a new brain with all the bad memories, past present etc removed, some confidence, some self worth etc, that would be nice, you know.
i have alot to offer. so why are people so cruel and unkind to me? just why when i dont do anything but be nice and everything to them, hell i have been through enough and i know the difference between right and wrong, if i am ever in the wrong i will admit it straight away and i will always offer to help others rt or vt, yet vt this year, its like my lifeline been slowly taken away by their games and the way thery are messing with me. the internet is a major part of my life if that makes sense in my position and yet the bullies are taking it away and i feel too damn frightened and alone to even try and sign into my member account and go into my two open and public rooms, but why? i havent done wrong, i have been the one hounded and broken, yet as usual, i feel alone, so alone in all this, the bad ones get away with it all. i just am scared, i truly dont know where to turn, everything is just making my fears worse and more heightened.
 whats the point, least i know i am not a bad person, but just why all the pain and hurt just why
just thank you for listening or reading if you do and i am sorry, i have emitted loads here, there is way too much i could write, but this is enough, its more than i have written for a long long time, so i am sorry if i have made no sense, i have tried but am sorry if it doesnt make sense i am too low and unhappy thats all i feel right as i type this and its been hard to do