i had my first "boyfriend" when i was like two. i was always facinated by boys. they smelled good [sometimes]. they never seemed to get hurt. and i could watch power rangers with them.:D i even told my mother, at the age of three or so, that i loved boys..i was just nuts about 'em. so when i got into high school i was very excited about the prospect of actually dating. i started "going out" with austin. i thought he was the greatest thing. i actually believed i loved him. he had a tiny flaw though.... he was what the kids called "a pot head" [aka someone who smokes an intense amount of marajuana] but i looked past it because, like i said, i loved him. and after six months of on and off dating i decided that i just couldn't be with him anymore. i needed someone who not only loved me, but loved themself. [btw after my freshman year i moved to a new school and din't see austin anymore. he called me during the spring break of my sophomore year and told me that he still loves me and wants to get back together. i never called him back.]
after austin i dated tj. well that's a lie. we didn't date, we called each other boyfriend and girlfriend for a week before he dumped me... [after, of course, he took my virginity.] now you know how it is with your first. you just can't let them go. you keep going back to them hoping for a different result and unfortunately, that usually never happens. i continued to sleep with him throughout the summer before my sophomore year. and FINALLY was forced to end all that ridiculousness because my mother caught me. i was grounded for a little over a month, during which i let go of tj and got ready to move forward.
here comes the part of the story where it gets complicated.
jacob was my very best friend. i told him everything and trusted his opinions and his secret-keeping ability. william was my first REAL lets-go-on-a-date-i'll-kill-someone-if-they-touch-you-you're -the-only-one-i-want boyfriend. and my first true love. and guess what. he cheated on me. WITH MY FRIEND! [or so i thought] he put me through hell and back and i still didn't learn when to say no. i was an idiot when it came to him. and jacob was always there to support me. wipe my tears. tell me everthing would be okay. until the day he told me he loved me. in a not-friendly sort of way. and i didn't say anything. to my best friend. who had always been there for me. i broke his heart.
and when i eventually let go of cheater william and realized that i was IN LOVE with jacob i told him...and do you know what he said?..."i don't think i want it anymore." i accepted that i was too late and i moved on to josh. [josh:the best kisser in the world. seriously] we only lasted about a month and a half and we broke up because of irreconcilable differences [he never called]. then jacob came back into my life in the form of a text message saying these three words "we did it" referring to him and his girlfriend having sex. i was not a happy camper let me tell you but i decided that because he listened to me talk about will i'd listen to him talk about her. but it hurt.
and then came the concert.... me and jacob went AS FRIENDS. and in the middle of the concert he looked at me and said "you are so beautiful" and i said NOTHING. i looked away because i was afraid he'd hurt me. but as the concert went on he held me and i felt so right with him. he told me he loved me and i returned the sentiment.
three weeks later he called and asked if i wanted to hang out with him and his friend. i said sure and they came and picked me up. while i was there his friend shut off the lights and before i knew it jacob and i were kissing like we hadn't seen each other in five years. we kissed and kissed and kissed. and then he IGNORED ME. blew me off. pretended i wasn't there. broke my heart. so i'm done for a while. i need a break from all this. it'll be hard...not to talk to him or call...but it's what's right. it's what i need.
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