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Why do I deserve this?
I don't, I don't, I don't.
I don't deserve, not even a little.
I don't deserve to go home from school
because I can't even concentrate
and am misreable because of you.
I don't deserve to be crying on the floor
of my bedroom, alone.
I don't deserve to carry all of the burden
and you not even recognize it.
I don't deserve to be in pain,
to feel alone, to want to just be happy
and you not even know it.
I still like you, adore you
but love can't involve this much pain.
I'm tired of always being the one left
and never the one leaving.
So much so that I almost want to
see what happens if I move to California.
Or make the ultimate leaving:
to leave you.
Because with you, i shrink.
And that little girl who was
so happy, so alive
is gone.
All the times I pushed away my complaints
because of the happiness that bubbled over
when I saw you.
They're too strong and
you don't even care.
So I bottle it up,
again and again
hoping it will go away,
hoping it's just me.
And when you told her
what you told me,
the one thing that I thought was ours
(you're silly)
the one thing that meant so little to you
but so much to me
because that was all I had to know
to make sure that something, anything was there.
As little as it was.
When you told her that,
I crumpled.
I was left gasping for air and trembling for comfort.
But you wern't there to give me either.
I don't want to hold on
but I can't let go.
I gave up so much for you
but you never even thought about it,
never understood what I gave for you
and gave nothing in return.
So I was left standing with less
than I started with,
not even being able to claim you.
All I wanted was you
to hold my hand,
and smile at me,
and make me feel special
and beautiful
and important.
But you couldn't give me
anything
and never understood why I cried,
why I fumed,
why I tried to turn you away.
So it's back to middle school,
crying on the floor and
listenign to DBC
and wishing it was different.
I fought so hard to get away from that.
But I'm back to dissapearing in your presense,
hiding myself and giving up what I want.
And neglecting friends and what I want and hw
and everything I've worked so hard to build up.
You didn't tear it down though-
I did.
I'm tired of wanting you this bad,
shouldn't want you this bad,
tired of reaching out,
tired of doing things
and getting back nothing,
tired of making decisions,
tired of crying,
tired of the viscous cricle.
Tired of wondering if you give a fuck.
Tired of wondering if you even care.
Why don't you care?
Why is it so bad to act like care about me?
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Posted by kelsey1206 on 2008-05-22 10:03:35 | Rating: | Views: 55
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