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Misreable and unmotivated

I feel like i haven't seriously gotten back into golfing.
I need to start again but it's so exspensive. I need to start getting into a schedule but it's sumemr and i want to be so lazy.

And Pat. We fight every week. My body and heart are tired of it. I can't handle it or deal with it, I feel weak and lonely and helpless and misreable. I hate this i hate it so much. I used to wake up from my alarm and get dressed and face the day but i feel lazy and slow and sluggish and unloved. All I want for him is to like me and i just ruined it last night with my big mouth. I had to say something which wasn't a big deal to me but was to him. And i didn't respect what he wanted and i betrayed his trust and i am a horrible girlfriend. I just want us to be back to normal and I don't want to only hang out just him and me, i don't want him to create a life for me to be with him, i just want to be with him. I shouldn't have made this so hard, it would have been so easy to make it right but i was small and immature and wanted to be right. I can't stop crying, all the time. Why couldn't i have just done this right? Why won't he just let me take responsiblity for being wrong? The more he says it's fine the worse I feel and I didn't want it to be like this. I always wishd for more attention and to know he cared but last night was perfect until i opened my big mouth and made pat mad and got into james and stephanies business and its all my fault and i just can't forgive myself for it. He won't answer my calls and all i can do is cry and wish for things to go back to normal. All i want for is him to hold me agian and never to feel like this, i can't feel like this, i just want to curl up and cry, i can't have fun and i just don't want to waste summer being misreable, i can't do that. Why can't i make it right? I don't want him to leave for a week, leave me for a week, leaving us like this. I don't even know if we can stay togehter he just doesn't trust me and we won't listen to each other and it just hurts so much. I miss him more than I could ever tell anyone, more than i should or need to. It's scary to be this close to him and even scarier to feel like the closeness isn't returned. My body is limp from crying and I don't want to eat or think or do anything. I just want to see him but I can't because he hates me. Why doesn't he love me? Why does he want to hide me away from his friends? I don't want to be a girlfriend he takes on the weekend and forgets when hes with is friends, I want to know and meet his friends. I love hanging out like that, it's fun and something I never had before him. He wonders why I don't do that with my friends. My friends aren't like that, it's different, he'd just feel out of place and akward and i don't have as many as him and I can't admit that because I feel unworthy and unliked and not as cool in front of him. Dear God, please, wherever you are, I know i've done so much wrong around him but I'm just trying to live and love and learn and i just want him to hug me and tell me he'll be there and we'll fix this together. Because i love him when he's with his friends and drinking and doing what he does, it's part of him and i love it and i don't want him to cut me off from it and I just don't know what to do anymore, oh God just please help me.