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I miss writing

I miss writing. I miss being able to sit down and write and write and write and write. I miss writing beautiful words, weaving them together to become things I couldn't have, people I didn't know or places I couldn't visit. I miss being able to create something beautiful.

I miss confidence. I miss being able to know what I wanted, who I wanted, when I wanted it. I miss my prupose and sense of direction. I miss my certianty, my smile, my sparkle, my life. I miss feeling like I knew who I was.

I don't know. It's just a PMSy apathetic rant which happen inevitably but I don't know.

College is coming too soon, way too soon, things are flying by and I feel like all I can do is watch. Everything I hoped for this year came and then fell short of my hopes: MT, Speech, Kye Club. My grades are and always will be fine but next year I feel like I'm slacking when everyone else is off. I feel like I'm making no change, like I can't make any change, like I'm just a dumb high school kid aspiring to be more than I really can unrealitstically once again. Which I am.

I'm falling behind and losing myself, grabbing on the my friends and Pat which are keeping me afloat. My family is so passive, so transient these days I can't even tell where I am even more.

And sometimes all I can think of is Cathy making speech states, and Tina having the audicity to run for VP, and Adam making me laugh through my quivering at MT into crying and covering my face with my hand and just straight up balling as Andrew hugged me and Allaya tried to comfort me and Grace patting me on the shoulder and not winning for Pavel who didn't even cry and Alex being pissed at Mtichell's probably throwing ice cream at peoplpe and being so sad that night with Pat and listening to the song Kelsey and not being able to do anything else but whimper and quiver in his arms and Mr. Rivera hugging me as I just cried and cried because we were supposed to come so much farther and Andrew giving me chocolate and telling me how far I came as I remembered that he used to like me and wanting him to like me again because I never wanted to hurt him and all I wanted to do was hug him and cry and not hurt him or Joe who now is everywhere and I never wanted to hurt him at all.

And calling Pat on the phone last night as we were stuck in the blizzard and Stephanie impossibly leaving with James to do god knows what and just wanting to be with Pat at his Dads and fall asleep in his arms but I couldn't leave but all I wanted to be was with him and calling him the next morning and hearing, feeling emptiness.

And now just wanting him to call because I'm tried of waiting.
And gosh I don't even have to power to write about anythign else.

But I'll try. Last night...

The snow came down last night like I'd never seen it before. It swirled around bright in the dark night swirling around. The snow was beautiful, so pure, so clean, so surreal as it twilred around in bursts dancing in the wind, tanatalyzing but terrorizing. It was impossible, impossible to see anything through the massive white, go anywhere through the barracades of ice and slush. It closed in around us with speed and no mercy, weaving through everyones lives, making it impossible to go anywhere, do anything but yet I couldn't look away and say it was anything but capitvating. The only thing sombering the horrible beauty that nature often claims was wanting to be in his arms, wanting to feel him, be with him, talking with him. Voices traveling between wires takes the soul, the heart, the meaning out of words. It cheapens them.

Ah fuck it.