Tonight I decided it was time to have a heart to heart with my husband. I told him all about the phone call I received from my "distant past love". I figured my husband also had a serious relationship before ours, so he could possibly relate. I didn't want him to get jeleous or upset, I just wanted him to know I wasn't keeping anything from him, and wanted to feel close to him.
He knows I'm a "deep thinker" so he wasn't surprised that I had so many questions. Why now would he call? What would make him feel a connection to me right now that he would go through all this trouble to find me??? My husband just sat and listened patiently, then said, "You are reading way too much into this... I know this is not what you want to hear, but unless he is some very strange guy, which you say he is not...he wants to have sex with you." I was like..."Why would you say that? Not ALL men are just after sex! We had a very close relationship, maybe he misses THAT. It doesn't HAVE to always be about sex." He said, "If this guy contacts you after almost 2 decades....trust me, he is going through some midlife crisis, and wants you." I just shook my head. I was hoping to have a heart to heart with him, and he makes this whole thing about sex.. I said..."Did it ever occur to some of you men, that SEX is not the only thing that brings closeness to a relationship?" Then I asked him..."Ok...if I were to have sex with another man, you would consider that cheating, right?" He said, "Well of course I would."
So I said..."But what if I confided in another man, and share my personal thoughts with him, would you consider THAT cheating?" He shrugged his shoulders and said..."Well that depends on who it is and if he had intentions on it going any further." WHAT????? Back to the sex issue. I was like, what difference does that make who the hell it is!!
So I told him, if HE confided in another woman, and shared his personal thoughts with her and not me, I WOULD consider that cheating. It would probably hurt me more that he was able to share his heart with someone else ,than if he had sex with her.
He could not relate at all. I felt like I was talking to a caveman. Then he just said..."Well you don't have to worry about me doing either, this is not about us...it's about this old boyfriend who wants to have sex with you." I just said..." Oh man...let's just drop it." He said..."Thank Goodness!"...and the conversation was over. Can anyone relate to this man??? Is it a wonder why I yearn for, "what could have been"? A gorgeous guy that loved with his whole heart, body and soul!
Posted by keepdreaming on 2008-02-20 00:45:33 | Rating: | Views: 158
Oh my Goodness!
You were so right to feel that we had a close connection.
We are married to the same man.
I just want to say if he has all these other wonderful qualities dont give up on him. My husband is just starting to come around.
Peace
Yeah Treverjohn, he does have other wonderful qualities, and I'm not ready to give up on him, but I feel I should not have to TRY THIS HARD for 17 years for something that should already be mine. The struggle just takes sooo much out of my heart. I'm worn out after trying to reach him when I want to have a heart to heart.
I'll keep trying!! luv 2 u
autoprocanada, Thank you for your comment, and it won't be taken in the wrong way. I feel the past is part of who we are today. It's not that I intend to live int he past...I was presenting to my husband the opportunity to open up to me, not to let him think I wanted another man. My point was, not ALL men think relationships revolve around sex. When do the "feelings" come into play, after the sex??? No...the feelings should be present at all times in a relationship, not just when one or the other wants something. I do appreciate your insight though. :)
Peace!
Wow! I was surprized at that comment!
I think it is healthy to continue relationships, we don't need to discard that person completly just because it didnt work out for us to be intimate lovers the rest of our lives.
I still have a friendship with all my Ex's and my husband is friends with them as well.
I think Autopros thoughts on that are very harsh.
If we love some one we always will, or it was never love at all. Our feelings change, but the love remains!
AMEN GIRLFRIEND!!!! The love ALWAYS remains!!! It's a part of us, and a part I would never change or give up!!! We Learn, we grow, and we become wiser because of it. If we forget our past relationships, how can we improve on our present ones???
Thank you Trevorjohn...your support is a treasure! hugs!
My friends are all guys, so I'm a little rusty when it comes to chatting with women. I love men ... I love how they think. As a woman I think emotionally. Many times my emotions cloud the facts. What I love most about my men friends is their ability to keep it real simple and give me just the facts. To me your husband's take on the matter didn't seem all that strange. Why this man is contacting you after so long is anyone's guess, but I think your husband is right in his perception that this man is going through some sort of mid life crisis and wants to connect with his past. If he were totally content in his marriage .... totally getting everything he needed, he would not be calling you. If I'm understanding you correctly your marriage is missing something as well. Your last line was very telling regarding someone loving you heart, body and soul.
I have been pen pals exclusively with men for the past 6 years. Most of these men were very unhappy in their current relationships. Men seem to trust me and I learned many secrets from these men. Men also want that body, mind and spirit connection with a woman, but since their way of thinking is more physical it's hard for them.
When your husband said "this isn't about us" ... he totally missed the boat ... typical as men only scratch the surface with their thinking .... you are unhappy in your marriage ... you get a call from someone who loved you in all the ways you are longing to be loved by your husband ... In fact this call sent you straight into regret and grief mode.
I was forever explaining the deeper things to the men I wrote to. If your husband were my pen pal and he relayed this conversation to me I would tell him his wife is calling out for help ... she is dying from lack of emotional closeness and if he doesn't step up .... his wife may go elsewhere to have her needs met. Every man needs a wake up call and I gave out a lot of them.
You are a genius ColoradoDreamin!! You hit this nail right on the head! Are you sure you are not a pyschologist??? Thank you for your outstanding comment...you are incredibly insightful, and anyone would be greatly BLESSED to have you in their life!!!
Luv-2-U!!
No I'm not a psychologist.
Although I have found myself on a therapist's couch more than once
where I learned lots of interesting things about relationships,
and human nature. Peace
I missed the genius part in all that:P Hi, single male perspective here:P I would like to think I am very "emotion" oriented, yet I detest the excesses of "drama" women can lay out which cause my breathing to struggle. I would like to think I am not a man dominated by sexuality; but when I do think about being one with a woman, I DO think about physical intimacy as a launchpad to emotional intimacy. Maybe for a man, we need "sex" to jumpstart the emotional brain? Or, maybe--as I seem to feel it--sex/making love is a release/security measure for a man to release his emotional side. By embracing his woman, he is able to feel secure in expressing himself verbally? I am not sure. But, when I feel unable to be completely open about my deepest feelings...I feel the need to be intimate physically with a woman...to be able to hold her with all my heart. [And, likewise, after a very intimate verbal exchange, the desire for physical intimacy seems to explode from the brain.] But, I suppose all that can be affected by a mental connection too. If you are not on the same wavelength or "schedule", you don't click.
I am seeing men and women are wired exact opposite.
Women need to be connected emotionally before we want to be physical, and men want to be connected physically before the emotions come into play.
Ohhhhhhh why does it have to be so simply complicated?
Maybe I will just become a lesbian ;)
Brainstormer, thank you for explaining your side of things, although I still believe not ALL men feel the way you do. What we women are trying to get here, is not the POURING out of heart and soul, but the SHARING of what is in our HUSBANDS hearts. I repeat HUSBAND, the man we married. What we are expecting from him is not out of line or asking too much, it is the commitment they made when they married us. They are not following through so to speak. They are shutting us out of their heart in a way, unless we beg and plead for a crumb of feelings from them. I really should be speaking for myself here, so I apologize for saying "WE and THEM". But I am glad you left your comment Brainstormer, because I do feel you are a sensitive man. God Bless!
T.J. I hear you about wanting emotional connection BEFORE a physical one. I just can't get into the mood otherwise. Especially after 15 years of marriage, if the emotional connection is not there, it's very hard to get interested in the physical one. How do you work passed that?
The more I find myself unlike other men and married men...the worse I feel about the future:( If all these married men cannot get intimate as I envision it...then everything feels so lost and empty... I am floating in deep space.
Oh Brainstormer, I don't want YOU to feel lost or empty. You seem to have it right!! Look at this post for example, you are communicating, and sharing your feelings without any fear...you are just saying what is in your heart and how you feel. This is what we want from our husbands...to tell us how they FEEL. They won't. They are like a closed book, not ever wanting to be read, at least mine is. But as for YOU, don't you EVER feel like you are floating in deep space, because you should have the confidence riding high on your shoulders keeping your feet firmly to the ground. You've got this thing right my man!!!! Wave your flag high for all the ladies to see!!!
I can agree and disagree with you.
There are all sorts of relationships.
I have been a tomboy since I can remember, and most of my close friends have been men.
Men tend to be better friends to me.
I trust them with my feelings better.
They seem to be less judgmental, and keep our conversations private.
Whether there is a physical attraction or not, I still feel more open with a man.
I am married to someone, who refuses to have deep discussions.
Through friends, men and women, I fulfill a great emotional need, in having deep life discussions with them.
You said it yourself, that maybe your old beau just wanted to talk.
I can disagree with your husband as well, not all men want sex when they turn to a woman.
A man and a woman tend to have more open rapport, and can become very close friends.
I have many men friends, and without them, life would be a very shallow surface for me.
I think your husband saying that, was just him being jealous, and worrying that this man wanted you, like he does.
Great post.
It really made me think.
Well, what if I am so in touch with my feelings and those of others that it prevents me from being grounded? Maybe there is a give and take here. Men who do not express what I do have a certain firmness and security to them. You know where they stand well enough for them to be strong...just not deeply in tune/connected. I seem to be intuitive and deep...but not well grounded/secure. Which is better?
DS...I have had many dear friends in my life as well, many which have been men. But in most of those involving men, I always had to be careful not to let it evolve to something physical...and I have. I believe men to "want to be friends" with a woman, but then once they expose their souls to them, it is hard for them not to want something more physical from them. I could be wrong, it's just what I've experienced.
Well Brainstormer, I think it's not so black & white. I think you can have a frimness and security and be in tune/connected at the same time. My theory is: A man HAS to be secure and solid/grounded in order to be deeply connected and intuitive and know how to express themselves. A shallow man is one who doesn't express himself for fear he will be rejected. That is not security, nor is he well grounded. So, have I explained which is better???
Um, no. You just made me feel more lost and worse:(:P What you said to DS is true...and sort of what I said earlier. And, sort of why I get nervy about women with male friends(just as I get nervy about the guy at work who says he has many lady friends). I can be a casual friend with a woman...maybe just keep it online or associate or whatever. But, once I expose the depths of my feelings/being...I feel compelled to latch onto that person like a koala hangs onto a tree trunk.
So, on that note, how can you say a person can be so deeply in tune and secure at the same time? Maybe an ideal man fits both. But, I feel in order to be secure, I would maybe have to sacrifice emotion. To get over a deep depression, I had to force myself to stop crying. I suppose that is why it is so difficult for me to cry these days. Sometimes though, I can't stop myself...like during a saddening movie.
I fear rejection horribly and thus don't speak as openly face to face initially as I do here...does that make me shallow?
My goodness No!!! You are far from shallow. I hear what you are saying now. You are deeply in tune, but you don't feel secure because you fear rejection?? Well, Brainstormer, we all fear rejection. But aren't you discovering people really like you for who you are, and they haven't ever even met you? You are hiding yourself in the real world, and I'm afraid you are missing out on some wonderful experiences. I'll tell you a little secret. I was asked why I don't have a picture of myself on my profile. Here's the sad truth. All my adult life, I've thought people only liked me because of the way I looked. One of my friends (male friends) told me my husband only married me because I would be his "trophy wife". Men always would be very nice to me, but I was always suspicious as to why? Women would either be my friends or just not like me for no apparent reason. So I decided I didn't want to use my picture, because I want people to know me from the inside, not for what I look like. So you see, I too have always feared rejection, because I always had some doubts that I could trust in the people around me. You just have to take the risk. But never does that make you a shallow person. Because you are WILLING to share your feelings!!
Hmm, now I wonder what you look like:P heh. And, afraid I might seek out an affair:P heh. No no no...bad bad thoughts:P
I have been that way about facial issues in other places online, but here it was merely the desire to be recognized for my work and personality but maintain a certain level of anonymity still. Complex perhaps. To be recognized but remain Mr. X. Blame the dark side of the internet:P The side that is abused and misused.
Yes, a deep fear of rejection. It started around 17/18, actually. Before then, I was so into and comfortable with girls. In grade school, I was the first boy to NOT fear cooties:P And, I had girls sitting with me in 8th grade while the other guys were all roughing it up playing basketball or whatever. But, in high school, school work consumed me. I never really recovered...and then things changed the last year...but not in a good way.
Truth is...now I feel my face gives one impression but my mind/words give another or two other impressions. So maybe it's mind vs words vs face. Which would make sense based on my astrology. People look at me and think I am a genius. They either think I have all the answers or that I have a fat head. Neither is true to a degree(I mean, I consider myself smart at a few things...I do okay...not an expert at anything...always learning...and I should be able to admit when I am better than someone at something without grief). But, I hate that my face gives an impression I cannot back up. And, being the kind of person I am, I can't be devious and use the falsehood to my advantage.
By Everything you tell Me Brainstormer, you have tons to offer someone. You are a very intellectual man...meaning...you know how to use your intelligence. You may not know everything, like you said, but what you do know, you use to the best of your ability. That is a powerful asset. That should give you great confidence in yourself. Don't be so afraid of rejection. I try to look at rejection, as a way to "try again to get it right". It's all a mind over heart tactic. I guess unfortunately I've been burned enough times to learn it. I hope that you haven't. Maybe treading lightly until it's safe to take the full plunge into the opening up and sharing your heart might feel a little safer for you, at least until that feeling of rejection wears off a bit. It will, you just have to get out there and play ball. :) I'm in your corner!!!
But, my mind works overtime. If I am rejected...which is a simple no--no biggie, right?...I tend to start spiraling into "why did I get rejected? what did I do wrong? what if I did this instead? but I wont have a chance with that same person again...and she really IS appealing." etc etc. On my own, it's so hard to stop the railroad, ya know? It's terrible! And, I fear I could just go nuts and break down sometimes. So, I just am such a coward and avoid trying:( It's lame. I DON'T tread lightly either:P That's another problem. I can be very patient and kind and considerate...but initially, I am like a bottle of soda that's been shook up a bit. As soon as I crack the seal on my mouth...pssssh...SPEW it all out, come what may. And, I just turn red in the face as I realize I cant stop the flow!:( Sigh. Also, I dont exactly have someone I feel good to go to after a rejection...there is no mattress to catch this stunt man:P So, to recover solo...that's very hard for me...I fear I'd end up a serious hermit with suicidal tendencies. Not very intelligent for the guy everyone sees as either so great or so full of himself.
Oh My Dear, I can see we need to work on your confidence. Somewhere, somehow, you were lead to believe if things didn't work out it was YOUR fault. Most of the time that isn't the case. I am a woman, I think like a woman, I know what women like in a man. You have a great many of those qualities from what I can tell conversing with you back and forth. You have intelligence, you have understanding towards others, you have empathy, and you can sympathize, plus you have a killer sense of humor that is constantly making me laugh. Now, you say you attach yourself to fast to a woman, and you open yourself up to heartache too easily, correct? Well maybe when you were younger it wasn't "cool" to do that, but as you get older, you will find woman appreciate a guy who opens up easily. Heartbreak is tough if it happens...God I know, but you can't let it define you. You are an Artist! None of us have mats under us to catch us when we fall. But you will always have me to write to if a relationship ever goes south and you get hurt. I will be there to help. But it is so true...It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. You are not a coward, you are scared...and you are brave to admit that. There are a lot of ways to define bravery. I, along with many other woman, (and remember I think like most woman think) would say you are a brave man. Just don't spend too mush time dwelling on your fears. Face them, and conquer them!!!
I figured my husband also had a serious relationship before ours, so he could possibly relate. I didn't want him to get jeleous or upset, I just wanted him to know I wasn't keeping anything from him, and wanted to feel close to him. 
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