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Have you ever been strengthened by reading the words of a friend?
Have you ever felt the power of prayer, prayed in your name?
Have you ever felt so much weight on your heart if felt you couldn't breathe, then you read a letter from a friend, and as you were reading, you felt the pressure ease, and the weight lift a bit, your finally able to take deep breath, then you cry, because you can breathe again for a little while?
There is an Angel, and she walks among us here at Thoughts. Many of you know her by the name of Heatherslife, and I recently have had the privilege and the honor of meeting her and calling her my friend.
She is wise beyond her years, and is filled with love that can not be matched.
Those of you that know me, know that I rarely discuss my problems publicly. I am a very private person, and I have always been uncomfortable with sympathy. I much more enjoy spreading happy thoughts!!
But... to Explain what is happening in my life, here it goes...
My dear precious father, which I love more than words could ever say, is being called Home by Our Creator. The doctors aren't giving him much time now. It is becoming more and more difficult on me. He has been in denial for so long, but last week he just gave up. It broke my heart. I can't begin to explain the love I have for him. He is such a quiet man, but such a loving Dad.
I'll share a little story...
When I was in my 20's I got engaged (not to my current husband), we were engaged for 6 months. Planned the entire wedding. Knock-out dress! Reception, food, dance, band, you name it we planned it.
Funny thing is, we have 5 kids in our family, but I was always his favorite . I guess it happened after my Mom passed away, I use to hear him cry at night, and it would break my heart, so sometimes I'd go sit with him, we just became very close.
Anyway...as it became closer to the wedding, I realized, I was making a big mistake, this guy was very possesive, and was getting more possesive as time went on. So my sister and I, who are very close would talk, and I told her I didn't think I wanted to marry him, and she said if I was even THINKING that way, I shouldn't go through with it. So I thought... WELL...DAD HAD ALREADY PUT DOWN ALL THAT MONEY FOR EVERYTHING..... HE WILL BE SOOOO MAD IF I BACK OUT NOW, it's 2 MONTHS BEFORE THE WEDDING!!! SO...before I even told the guy, I decided to go have the DREADED talk with my dad. Talk about sweaty palms! I went out to our house. I had my own apartment at the time. I told him I needed to talk to him, and I sat down....scared shitless...
I said...."Dad...I'm really afraid about something." He said.."What honey?" ME.." I don't want you to be mad at me, but I don't think I should marry Rob." He just walked over to me, sat down beside me on the couch, put his hand on my knee and said.." Why do you feel that way?" I said.."I just think he is bossing me around all the time, and I don't feel right about it, and the closer the wedding gets the more I feel I don't think it's right, but I feel so bad because of all the money you've spent." He just squeezed my hand and said..."You don't worry about the money, I can get that back...it's just better you realized how you feel now, than find out later. Have you told him yet?" I said "No, and he's going to freak!" He said...."Do you want me to be with you when you tell him?" I said..."No that's OK, I'll have Jonie (my sister) with me" he just said "OK then."
That is the kind of man he has been all his life. The most wonderful, loving, caring Daddy in the world. Not your typical, pushing you on the swings, and playing baseball in the park dad. You'd usually find him in the garage working on something after work, but always willing to stop to give me a hug, and make sure my needs were met.
On top of having to watch him leave this earth, I'm going through family problems of my own. My husband is being a world class ASS! He's decided to try to CONTROL everthing around him these days. Midlife crisis??? who know, but I CAN'T STAND IT!!! He has to control the Air Conditioning Temp...The Remote Control (I know, all men do THAT!)... the radio stations in the vehicles. He has his vehicle, I have mine...so WHY is it when I get in MINE, the station is ALWAYS tuned to HIS station??? He controls the banks accounts....the investment accounts....how much to give to the church....He EVEN tried to control how much toilet paper our two daughter used when the wiped their butts when they pee. "TWO SQUARES IS ENOUGH" he said. I flipped out... I said..."Listen here Mister..."Until you wipe your pee'er after you piss, you will NOT tell them how much toilet paper to use!!!"
So needless to say, the pressure at my house is adding to my heavy heart.
I feel I'm pivoting on the edge of finding complete inner strength and the will to move beyond this scared lonely place without my Dad, or fall off the edge into utter choas not knowing which way to turn, forever longing for my Dad to pull me back up again.
I want to say Thank you to Heather, for somehow finding me, somehow knowing through her prayers that this was becoming bigger than I am, and that I was needing help. Without me ever asking, this special girl gave me her prayers, and I have felt at many different times the weight being lifted. Angels do walk amoung us!!!
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Posted by keepdreaming on 2008-08-16 02:59:12 | Rating: | Views: 159
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Thank you my Friend. Always here.
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Posted by heatherslife
on 2008-08-16 11:25:31
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Keepdreaming, I have been sitting in a silent purgatory wondering what happenned to my old "friend". I am in tears I cannot shed because she has not contacted me or shared any of these things with me. But, she has contacted and befriended others. And, now you come out of the blue with this very personal expose. Why? Why now? I had no idea you were facing this. And, it hurt me to hear it from someone else. It sounds like some very possessive spirit surrounds you in some way and keeps getting involved in your life(twice in the man you chose to be with) though your dad was a better man than I see in my own. I envy that relationship:( I fear a darkness of possessiveness often takes over myself--and another here--from time to time. I hope it never gets out of control. Take care.
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Posted by brainstormer
on 2008-08-16 13:24:17
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I also suspect the loss of your father brings more pain because of the tension in your other relationship. If the marriage was stronger, maybe you could let him go in peace as he deserves. He does not want to see "his favorite" in agony, does he? I hope you can find peace in letting him go but keeping his memory alive in photos or whatever you might choose. And, resolve the other matters bothering you.
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Posted by brainstormer
on 2008-08-16 13:28:08
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Angels usually are! :) Thank You Heather!
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Posted by keepdreaming
on 2008-08-16 22:18:49
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Everyone may become the angel if he/she wants.
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Posted by sparklelj
on 2008-08-17 00:21:37
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KD,
I have no words of wisdom here. I only can tell you that I'm a phone call away from you. I know the feeling of loss you are having and it brings great sadness to me that you are going through it. If you need anything at all, please use me. I'm at ur disposal anytime day or night! Love you
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Posted by dreampower
on 2008-08-23 18:22:37
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Thank You S.
I know I can count on you!! You are and always have been the best, and most dearest friend. I luv U 2!
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Posted by keepdreaming
on 2008-08-23 20:32:24
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