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you've got to be kidding me.....

really, seriously, you must be joking. It's been one year, two months and fifteen days since aaron killed himself and all it takes is one thing to send me over the edge. his mom has been seeing psychics over the past year. my opinion on psychics is that i don't want to be so close minded that i completely rule out something that i have no proof exist but they seem to give very general things out that can apply to you or someone you know if you look at it the right way. but i respect her and she believes in this. she went to one and sent me the conversation of it. i don't know what the hell they are called but it was recorded on tape and than she typed it up on the computer for me. transcribing? i don't know the word. she mailed it to me and i got it today. i haven't bawled so much since i found out he died. i mean i don't know if it's real or not but the description of aaron was in there and it got me remembering. i mean he touched so many people's lives and he didn't even know it.

aaron was the kind of guy who would sit for hours and listen to your problems regardless of how serious they actually were and he always knew what you needed. he always knew when to be quiet and listen and when to say something and what to say. but he never asked for help. he never complained. you knew he had it hard because of his epilepsy but he never showed it. it always looked like he was so strong. but he never turned you down or turned you away. if you needed something, anything regardless of what time of day it was or what he was doing, he was there for you. he knew what it was to be a friend. i'm still dealing with my guilt issues about that but we won't get into it because really? i am trying to remember the good things about aaron not the bad things about myself.

and after reading that thing that his mom sent me, i can help but miss him so much right now. i know you shouldn't question God's decisions but i just don't understand why it had to be him. i have a theory but it makes me feel better more than anything else i think. i'll post a pic of him up after i post this blog but first i think i need to grab some more tissues because i can't seem to cut off these water works right now. i just can't believe its been over a year and i'm still not any better off than i was when i found out. oh sure the world thinks i've fixed myself and moved on. but the truth is, i just got better at hiding it.