oh to be me. the unloveable one. all i want all i need is someone just one someone to want to hear what i have to say. to care about whats on my mind. to care when i have a bad day. i dont want advice or someone to fix my problems. all i need is for one person for just ten minutes every now and than to say "hey jessi i care about you. whats on your mind? why so blue?" and listen. i'll make it short and sweet. just care about me for ten minutes. but no one seems to. i say "hey i need you now. please just listen to me. i am sad and i need to talk." and you say you are my best friend. or you say you are my boyfriend and my friend. or you just say i can always talk to you when i need to. but when i say i need you, you are not there. you are on the computer too busy for me. or watching tv, i guess im not interesting when im fully clothed. or you just dont love me anymore and have moved on to better things. (these are three separate people im talking about btw). all i need is someone to take the ten minutes to show how good a friend they are. listen to me, hug me and tell me you care. than all will be right in my world. but no. you ignore me. so i am sad. i am the unloveable one. the one who tries so hard to get your affection. the nice one. i mute the television when you need to talk. i drive an hour out of my way just to help you out. i answer your phone call at any hour of the night whether you need a friend or you just drunk dialed me and never complain. i am the person who tells anyone that its always ok to wake me up or interrupt me when im busy bc i want to be there for you. i am the one who always listens and never judges. who tries to understand and validate your feelings. i am the one who puts everyone else's needs before mine bc i cant stop caring about the world. i am the one who can never say no when someone needs her- whether i like you or not i am always there for someone in need. why cant i be friends with someone like me. instead of someone like you. why cant someone just for one second think that maybe just maybe i need a friend. to listen. to care. to just BE THERE. am i not worthy of such? am i such a bad person in so many other ways that karma is saying i dont deserve such relief as the relief you feel when you have unburdened your soul. the comfort you get just from someone giving you a hug. the reassurance of knowing someone loves you. i need that reassurance. i need to know that somewhere someone loves me. i need for just once someone to think that maybe everything is not right in my world. that maybe i need someone to do for me what i do for everyone else. maybe for once i need a friend. i need one of my friends to care and be a friend to me the way i have tried to do for them for so long. but i suppose i will have to just keep wanting such a thing. it does not seem as though its in my future to have someone love me. i make it hard to love me. so hard in fact that no one seems up to the challenge. man, i hate my life on days like today....