Thoughts.com Blogs - grrrr.....

really? i will never understand guys. never for as long as i live. they say girls are complicated and they are so simple. but i wont understand why they think they are always right, always smarter and the world always revolves around them. i will never get it. he doesnt like where i am at in my life. sits there trying to plan my future for me, tell me where i should be going with my life. one thing that he broke up with me over was the fact that he felt as though i have no drive. no motivation to go anywhere. lets forget the fact i am going into nursing in the fall. that i am going to be registering for my classes soon. but the second i try to help him with his career. try to give him ideas for motivation i hear "its more complicated than that jessi. there is more to it." i hear that i dont know what i am talking about. i dont understand. what he wants to say to me is "you don't know anything about this guy stuff so just fill your head with ideas about what we are having for dinner and doing tonight and let me think about the important stuff". oh yes please. what i have always wanted. someone to run my whole life for me. someone who doesnt trust me to come up with good ideas and make important decisions. i am so frustrated. in the past week it seems like the more we hang out, the less i want to be with him. i care about him so much and this whole time i thought he was exactly what i wanted. but something in the past week and a half is telling me different.

when we were dating he had a million and one reasons why we shouldn't be together. and in the past week and a half he has given me several as to why we could be together. i spent our entire relationship thinking "this could work. i could be happy like this forever." and now all i can think about is why i couldn't. i spent all this time thinking about what would make him happy and about what he wanted. and for the first time i am thinking about what i want. and i dont know if it is him anymore. because i now realize what is important to me and i dont know if its there with him or not. i know i care about him so much. i love him. i really do. even at his most annoying and infuriating moments i still want to be with him. but there is more than just caring about someone. it takes more than caring about someone to make a relationship work and be lasting. and i think the caring is the only part of ours that is actually there. the rest of it i dont think is. and it breaks my heart to think that. but i dont want to make a mistake or waste his or my time just because i can't let go. i am standing at a fork in the road and i am taking my sweet time deciding which path i want to take. i guess i will keep standing there....