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aaron and his view from heaven

i love illinois. really i do. couldnt be happier up here. but at the same time i wonder if i moved up here to run away. no one thinks that except one friend i left behind in va. she wont talk to me anymore bc she is furious with me. she says im doin this to run away. well she will be happy to know if thats what i did it is not working. im up here enjoying myself having the time of my life. actually happy for once. happier than ive been in a long time. and than it starts. a song plays or his best friend messages me on myspace or his fave show comes on or i play a video game he use to like or whatever and all of a sudden memories of aaron creep into my mind the way my cat creeps up to me after he gets in trouble for something. so slowly i dont even know they are there. until my whole mind is consumed with them and now here i am. remembering the last thing i said to him. his grandpa had died and he called me for help. me of all people. and i was too busy. i remember i cared but i stayed on maybe five minutes and than asked to call him later bc i had something to do. and i did. some really silly stupid something. to be honest i cant even remember what i had to do that was so damn important at the time. was i on my way to target or the dining hall with the roomie? was i goin to meet some friends? i dont know. i only remember i wasnt there for him when he needed me most. and i never called him back. i never called him back to check on him. and than i got the call. he killed himself. i cried. oh boy did i cry. spent nights having dreams that he was askin me for help and i didnt do it. spent weeks feeling guilty. spent months drinking. oh you dont know bc i hid it well but a few ppl do. jesse grabbin my mountain dew bottle at work only to find it was one eighth mountain dew and the rest vodka. lindsay never trustin me when i claimed to have no vodka in my drinks bc one sip would prove i was lying. didnt even care what i mixed the vodka with and sometimes i didnt even care to mix it. and now im sober. i drink socially. and what no one knows. no one at all but me is ever since i quit drinkin the nightmares about aaron have started up again. most nights i wake up with my heart racing and tears in my eyes bc once again i dreamed of tryin to save aaron and not being able to. im scared to go to sc bc than i will have to face it. and im not ready for it to be real yet. so many nights i long to hear his voice. telling me that everything will work out ok. telling me he is here for me. bc he was the amazing friend to me that i never was to him. i didnt deserve him as a friend. and now bc grabbin lunch with the roomie or meeting friends or something equally unimportant and ridiculous i have lost someone i loved. one of my best friends. and for the rest of my life i have to live with the fact that he was always there for me no matter how petty the item that upset me, but when he needed me most i was too busy. let me call you later. sorry to hear it. bye. and now he is gone. and i never got to tell him how much he means to me. how truly sorry i am. and i cant make it up to him. i cant make things right. i never believed in god or heaven but since he left i find myself imagining him in heaven looking down on me when i need comfort. its a nice thought. a pretty thought. an irrational thought. the type of thought i wouldve said a year ago is make believe bc ppl cant handle reality they create this pretty little heaven in their head to make things easier on them. and i still dont know that i believe heaven is real. but believing and havin faith in a place just bc it comforts me, i can believe in the power of that. i can have unquestioning faith in the unproveable if it means aaron is in heaven. no longer suffering. happy. free. i guess you can say i created my heaven just so his memory has a place be.