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I wish Atheists wouldn't attack the beliefs of Christians or any other religion. Of course, I also wish religiously affiliated people wouldn't attack my Atheist beliefs, either. Or agnostic. Or whatever I am.
I remember being younger and feeling a connection with God; I also believed in Santa and thought there were aliens outside my window. Santa was discovered in the present-filled car trunk, and the aliens turned out to be blinking car headlights I couldn't see without my little kid-sized glasses. I remember slowly feeling uncomfortable with the idea of a God. My mom would take my brother and myself to church and nod at the procession before us, telling us to take the cracker and drink the wine (bitter grapejuice kid-friendly god blood substiute). My brother and I wouldn't move. I think my mom thought we were too shy to go up there. Perhaps my brother was. I was just afraid that as I took an oath or consumed that tiny bit of baked bread, God would see right through me and know I that deep down, I felt some strange, tumultuous feeling. It was a wriggling worm, some insidious parasite (so it felt,) a feeling of nothing more than pure guilt.
Guilt, guilt. God is great, God is good, and I don't think he hears me. I would try to pray, and feel an awkward lonliness. Church made me more and more uncomfortable. I had begun a long and solitary journey. I used to be solitary anyway, sitting by my computer in the dead of night, enjoying it's warm glow on my plump face. But that isolation, along with my parents, created me; I made myself, my own, by thinking and thinking and thinking. Pondering and wondering. Hoping and realizing and sobbing in moments of terrible realization. I slowly lost God, but gained something else. Not right away of course, but soon after.
I felt so sad when I tried to believe in God. I tried very hard. I tried to believe that science only showed why God does exist. (Evolution shows that we literally come from dust. Molecules and bits of dirt and maybe lightning or something. It is just the process by which God created us from the dust. Perhaps the big bang took seven of God's days.) It comforted me for a while. But I would get caught up in all the unfairness and inequality not only in the world, but in the Bible. Why should my gay friend go to hell? Why should Yui, the japanese foriegn exchange student, go to hell? The lovely people surrounding me, living in happiness with or without God... Why should I feel guilty for indulging in the things I love, sensual in nature or not? God created it anyway, right? How could it be bad?
I admit I have anti-social tendancies. I was the fat girl, as cliche as it might be. Skewed glasses, constantly wet half-permed hair, pimples, an odd sense of style, short skirts, and an addiction to late night computer roaming. All these things excluded me (I excluded myself) and in the end, made me more impenetrable, more immune to peer pressure and the "laws" of society. Although I'm still stuck in my teenage years, I've come far more into my own, a confident, thin, tall, relatively pretty, democratic, artistic, creative, independant and far too stubborn individual. And now, it is in the forefront of my mind to discern what exactly it is I'm searching for.
After getting over the initial shock of realizing I did not truly believe in god, I stressed over the implications of it. Heaven? Hell? I couldn't imagine disappearing, so I imagined heaven. Would there be pain in Heaven? If there was no pain in Heaven, how could we appreciate the bliss? If there is no heaven, what will become of me? Is all knowledge revealed to me in Heaven? If all knowledge would be revealed to me, what would I do with ages and ages of nothingness? It dawned on me that nomatter how perfect Heaven is, or would be, without hardship or stuggle or journey, existing in any state would be just as empty as not existing at all. If I had all knowledge and happiness at my feet already, there would be no point in having it.
The only thought left that weighs on my mind, after pondering and pondering and deciding against most ideas religious in nature, was of my own mind. Memories. Every thought, feeling, sensation, and chemical concoction mixed up in my mind would simply not exist. When I came to this I broke down. There has to be a God. Has to be. These beautiful things, the lovely, most perfect things I've seen... Oh how appalling, that they could be taken from me. Visions of friends and family and lovers, things secret only to me, breath on the cold panes in a parked car at night, christmas morning, petting zoo. Gone. But yet... it is possible. Alzheimers. It happens even in life. Obviously it can happen in death. And I cried, and cried, and cried.
That is the only loss I can still see. I can lose my faith, I can lose Heaven, I can lose my body and soul. But it is for my mind I am greiving. I feel the lukecold wax-paper mass-produced McDonalds cup and taste the melted ice watered down old plasic soda. I see the worn carpet furniture and chair wheel depressions. Flashes. Pictures. Silent movie. And I remember a concept of aesthetics from Japan.
"According to Koren, wabi-sabi is the most conspicuous and characteristic feature of what we think of as traditional Japanese beauty and it "occupies roughly the same position in the Japanese pantheon of aesthetic values as do the Greek ideals of beauty and perfection in the West." Andrew Juniper claims, "if an object or expression can bring about, within us, a sense of serene melancholy and a spiritual longing, then that object could be said to be wabi-sabi." Richard R. Powell summarizes by saying "It (wabi-sabi) nurtures all that is authentic by acknowledging three simple realities: nothing lasts, nothing is finished, and nothing is perfect."" (Wikipedia. Yes, I love wikipedia.)
I am slowly forming an idea of why I can be calm in my realizations. I would never want to destroy religion in anyone else. It is a beautiful thing that can bring hope, joy, and peace to many minds. It gives people a reason. We can't exist without a reason. Yet, this reasoning can't quite live within me. I have to create my own. My reason for living, now, is for this life alone. Who knows? Perhaps someday I will be enlightened, and I'll travel along the eight-fold path, or accept Jesus Christ once again. But in this moment and those directly surrounding it, I live for the beauty in this earth I am experiencing. And I will experience it. I will indulge myself (within reason) with every gorgeous, impermanent, fleeting thing I can possible enjoy. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. Happiness is my purpose now. Fufillment of my mind and body alike, sensations and experiences. And after I thought of this... After I silently exploded into unlasting, unfinished imperfection, where my only goals are to succeed, learn, expand myself, bring happiness and enjoy, the most serene and breathtaking peace fell over me. A peace I have not known since I could pray.
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Posted by keatonjazz on 2008-01-25 22:19:28 | Rating: | Views: 108
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http://www.katinkahesselink.net/kr/religion.html
I think you are walking on path, all roads lead to Rome.. if we meet, I'll buy you ice cream.
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Posted by Heymonkee
on 2008-01-28 19:35:40
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Very well written...At one point I felt as if you took the words right out of my mouth. Great post
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Posted by xWASTEDxTRAGEDYx
on 2008-01-29 21:03:12
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i like your way of thinking
this, as above was said, is very good...i feel because you probably really meant all that
this was good
thanks
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Posted by benventure
on 2008-01-30 00:04:26
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Nicely written but no there doesnt have to be a god. We created it and we can destroy it. I know that peace and Im an atheist. Its all in the mind.
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Posted by TerrorBytePresent...
on 2008-08-14 02:57:24
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