To start off I am Katie and I am 21 years old and married to an amazing guy who I love very much.  I am in college right now and I am proud of myself for achieving my goals, but there are just some days when i don't care anymore and I just want to give up and disappear forever.  I have come to the point where I need to start writing my feelings out because it is causing way too many problems with my husband and I, and it is causing me a lot of pain as well.  My husband is a drug addict and an alcoholic, and I don't know how to deal with it.  He just got his 2nd DUI the beginning of May, and he is starting to realize that he needs to take care of himself before he can take care of anyone else and he needs to heal from everything and learn to accept that he is an alcoholic, and therefore he cannot truly be there for me as a husband, he might be able to be there for me as a friend, but I have to accept that my husband isn't there right now, b/c he has to take care of himself first.  I've also learned that I have so much stuff frm my past that I have to deal with.  When I was little my father raised all 4 of his kids on his own and he tried the best he could but he did some crazy shit to his kids too.  He felt that hitting your kids and stuff is the right discipline, but it wasn't because it has caused so many problems for me now.  When he also found out when I was going into 5th grade that my brother had been molesting me, he tried to get counseling for me, but that wasn't enough.  I'm fucked up today becuase of all of that happening to me.  I truly think I did learn how to deal with it for awhile, but then once he got married my dad let his wife convince him that I was having consensual sex with my brother and it was not like that at all.  It turned into a normal routine for me because that is what my brother wanted, and I knew I couldn't say no 2 him because I was scared of him and I'm still scared of him at times.  I'm just starting to finally talk about my past and be open about it and I need to accept the fact that I made choices in my life and I had things happen to me as a kid, but that has made me today.  I want to go into criminal justice becuase I want the young kids to know that they don't have to resort to drugs, alcohol, and sex as a way of dealing with life.  I just wish the people who say they love me would accept the fact that I want to major in criminal justice and I want to help kids out.  Anyways since my husband got his DUI, we have been fighting non-stop and hating eachother and saying the meanest things ever and I need to realize that I don't have to do that to him.  I need to give him his space and allow for him to get through all of this, and be there for him when he needs me, but I need to start taking care of myself and start dealing wtih my past rather than ignoring it and acting like my life is perfect.  I've started to notice that I've been drinking more and more for the purpose of getting drunk and so then I won't wake up during the night and I can sleep, but then I wake up feeling like shit in the morning and feel bad that I did that to myself the night before.  Rather than talking about my issues I drank and coped with life by drinking.  I'm ready to make a change for myself so that I can be a strong woman and be able to take care of myself but to also be able to be there for my husband the way that a wife should be and I want to do that for my husband, because I want to show him that I love him and I want t support him through this but before I can do that for my husband I have to take care of myself and deal with my past and be open about my past.

So, in my next post I am going to talk about what I have been doing to myself for hte past couple of years as a way of dealing with life and copoing with my depression, anger, and up and down emotions.