For the past week I have not been staying at home, because I am realizing that I have  a lot to change in my life and before I can be there for my husband I have to take care of myself and I have to learn to trust him again and trust others around me.  I've always had a hard time trusting people becuase so many people in my life have screwed me over and I'm afraid that my husband will continue to do that to me.  For me my problem ismy husband lying to me about stuff, texting people he shouldn't be, and also talking with his ex-g/f.  Yes my husband has done a lot of stuff to me that most people would wonder why I don't leave him but I love him too much and I want to help him get past his faults and laern how to become a better person.  Tonight i was sitting on our bed watching tv and my husband was sleeping and I just sat there looking at his phone, wanting to get it and go in the bathroom and read the texts and see who he was calling/texting, and I contemplated with that idea for like 15-20 mintues, and then I decided I just need to get myself away from the situation and get online and talk with one of my best friends and help me get over the temptation of searching the phone.  As I sit here, I am now over the temptation of wanting to search the phone and what not, but I know if I go lay back down in bed I am going to want to check the phone and the vicious cycle starts all over again, so I am considering sleeping in the other bed at this point, just so I don't do it.  At this point in my life I just try to let myself get through each hour of the day and when I complete a whole day I am proud of myself that I got through it.  I know that my husband and I have a very long road ahead of us, but I want to make this work and in order to make it work I need to make my changes too.  I'm learning how to accept that my husband is an alcoholic, I have issues with trust and we are trying to make a marriage work.  Yeah it sounds crazy and I'm scared shitless most of the time but I am going to try my best to make this work.  Well I am going to try to sit here and watch the new show "In Plain Sight" that starts in 10 minutes and clear my mind of everything.