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| You change for two reasons......
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Either, you learn enough that you want to or you've been hurt enough to have to.
Today was really no better than the last. I've felt like breaking down many times, But stopped myself. What is it really going to solve? Will it change anything? No. I'm sick of crying, I'm sick of being upset. I can't do it anymore. I sat and watched her play today. She ran around laughing and smiling. She was so happy and so beautiful. She ran up to me, her arms stretched like an airplane, and crashed into me, giving me the biggest hug. She looked me in my eyes, and she said the line I always tell her when she is upset. She said " Mom, stop being sad, I love you, and that's all that matters." She smiled wiped my tears from my face and and then said " OK, let's play, I have a game you will love, you be the queen, I'll be the princess" We ran threw a field... hiding from the evil three headed dragon and his master "who talks like this" using her best english accent. Running with her hand in mine, laughing and rolling in the grass, Is when I reliezed something. I did do something right, and something to be proud of, I do have a reason to be happy and a reason to wake up each morning. Her. She is this amazing little girl, who is smart and funny, and I did that, I did it ALL alone. Nothing matters other then her, not the cancer, not how stressful school and work are, not my past, not even the boy. I love him, I love him a lot. But what happened is done, there is nothing i can do about it, I made the choice and i have to deal with it, but I don't have to get so wrapped up in it, it affects her, and it worries her to see me sad and upset. This girls future depends on me. I make her what she is. She loves me, and she looks up to me, she calls me her hero, and I will never chance loosing that. Let's face it, because of the cancer my time here is up in the air at this point, and she might not have me much longer, so I have to give her everything now, there are no "I'll do it tomorrows." All i have is now. And I HAVE to make it right. But GOD, I miss.........
well you know.
I'm going to be just fine. Hope is everything. I almost lost it, but she gave it back to me.
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| Blog Comments
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Hi, I cried when I read your post, fight whatever it is, be happy and don't give up - you sound like a beautiful person - let your daughter see that... let her remember that when she is a parent herself.
Hugs your way...
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-02-09 02:49:12
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Hugs and much love in Jesus from us here in the UK as well Kay Hope is everything, as you say. God is with you and we carry you all up in prayer to remain the strong and loving Hero you are.
God Bless
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Posted by greensky
on 2008-02-09 04:13:24
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| Views: 89
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