My face is on fire, I can feel the pounding behind my eyes. It's loud and I can feel it in my mouth. The pounding, it won't stop.. it's always there. Along with the on fire feeling, the nausea, the "God, I just want to sleep feeling" and I'm to weak to walk to the living room. I trace the swollen bruised bump on my arm, it's where they inject me with my " savior" five times a week. I put up with it, Happily even. I'd never complain about how I hate the smell of everything or how some days I can't even get out of bed. Because, if I'm responding, that means it's fighting for me. It means that I have hope. It means that I might be able to say GOODBYE to cancer, this time for good. I went into the doctors office, just like i always do. I sat reading a "Living with Cancer" magazine. Reading the how to stay intimate while on chemotherapy section. I look up, and I see the people around me. We are all here for the same reason. Some look better than others. Some have hair, some look like Mr. clean. Some where wearing hats, to try and cover their half bald heads. Some are older, some are far to young. We are all thinking the same thing as we look at each other, " I wonder how bad hers is",..... " I wonder if she even knows she has it yet" ....." How did she get the chemo glow to go away from her face" ...." is that a wig?"...."but she is so young"
A little girl came in with her mom, when her mom went to sign her in the girl sat down next to me. I smiled at her, and she smiled back. You could see where her hair had started to fall out, and her pale skin shined. She asked " So, what kind you got?" I smiled and gave a little giggle and told her. She looked amazed and smiled wide, and said me too! We were discussing the type of cancer we had like it was a pair of shoes or a type of of some kind of game. That is how used to it we are. I'm talking to this 7 year old kid, who is just one year older than Jess, and we are talking about things we should never have to even know about. I told her how I've had it for seven years, and she was excited, She said " I knew it!" " I'm going to be like you, Live forever." It touched my heart to hear her say that. The nurse called my name and I wished the little girl luck. I followed the nurse back and she took me into a room that i knew far to well. she said that the doctor wanted to talk to me before we started the treatments. That made me nervous. What is he going to tell me? He is going to tell me treatments aren't working still. Shit what am i going to do?! He came in with a smile. After a certain amount of time, your doctor feels like your friend in situations like this. When he came in with that smile, my whole look on it turned around, oh my god,he has good news! He told me that I am responding to treatments, for the first time in 4 years!!!! You are kidding! I said.. Are you sure?! I was freaking out. i felt an excitement that i haven't felt in well 4 years. This type of an excitement, it's different than anything that I have ever felt, I've felt excitement to the max over many things, but this is different, this is a hey you might be able to live a normal life kind of excitement. I left the doctors office feeling sick and burning again, but it didn't matter, because it was working ! I didn't care!

Today, I walked into my doctors office. I sat there. Reading " staying active with cancer" magazine. Looking around to see people that all look the same. I was called back and into the room. The nurse said... " the doctor wants to speak with you before we begin" ... OK no problem i said back... with a huge smile. Sat there smiling looking up at the ceiling, he came in. He wasn't smiling today, and he didn't look me in my eyes. He sat down and there was silence. Tears came pouring out of my eyes, and I said.. not really asking, because I knew the answer.. it stopped working.. He was looking down at the ground and I saw a tear fall. "Kayla, we can keep trying, this happens. You responded for a little while, and that is good".. yeah. I laid down and extended my arm for injection. The sting of the needle hurt more today, it burned more, i hated it more then i ever have. Laying there for 2 hours, I laid there crying. maybe it wasn't the right place for me to do it, since it's a doctors office, but I don't have any where else to do it. I don't want to scare Jess, I don't even want her to know that I stopped responding. The look on her face when I told her that I was responding was something that I never want to forget. I'm not ready to take that away yet. I walked out of the doctors office today, I was sick, and i was on fire.. and today.. I did care. I hated it. I was Angry that I was sick, I was angry that my arm hurt and I was angry that I was dizzy.

I don't know what to do anymore. I get sicker and sicker with each treatment, and for what? False hope? I'm not one to give up on anything, but there is only so much one can take. I'm so tired of this all. I may not have much longer and I don't want to be tied down with chemo during my last days. I'll probably keep doing it until it kills me, because there is still that one little chance. And one little chance matters to me. But I'm going to hate it, and be angry at it. Life is hard, but it shouldn't be this hard. I'm tired. Please God just give me a break.