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| Its hard to wake up, when the shades have been pul
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it's getting colder, and you're getting distant and i just keep thinking, i never meant it to be like this.
Sometimes, I get so angry. I get so fucking angry at the things around me, at the people, at the situations that I am always put into, and I feel like screaming. Like if I don't find away out, I'm going to explode into a million pieces. Like I don't have an single ounce of fight left in me. Not for the last Dr.pepper in the fridge or for the person I love, or for my life. I feel so worn out, and I don't even know how it happened, or how to bring myself back up. I've never been the one who talks about her problems, or sit and cry with her best friend. I wasn't the little girl who came home from school and cried to her mom about the teacher that called me stupid, or about the girl that stole my lunch. I wasn't the girl who told my mom how after she would pass out drunk, my step dad would sneak into my room and then my sisters. I remember him telling me when I was 5 years old, that all daddy's did this. And if little girls whine and complain and tell people whats happening that I would die and god would hate me, so i would go to hell. He told me that if I cried or yelled, it would hurt my mom. So, I never made a sound. I never cried, i never asked questions, I didn't want to hurt my mom. I didn't want her to mad at me or upset. She seemed happy. I knew what he was doing was wrong, But she was happier when he was around. I just wanted my mom. I wanted a mom to make cookies with and to sing my songs to. So if i had to go through that to have it.. i did. My mothers smile was my favorite thing. It made me smile, it made me happy and it made me feel safe. 8 years later, when someone found out what was going on. I still didn't talk. It took them one week to get a word out of me, because I was so scared of loosing her. And that was the right way to go, because when I finally did let it out, I did loose her. She blamed me. She told me it was my fault. She told me she hated me. I was 13 years old. She looked at me like I was some kind of competition. She sent me away. To live with my grandparents in Norway. I learned to hide my pain, I learned to smile and make jokes at everything. To be the funny girl that everyone loved to be around. No one could have ever guessed. That is the way I liked it. Again. I didn't like to share the things in my life. They hurt to bad to talk about, and I didn't want to hurt anyone. I had hate for my mom for many years, but I slowly forgave her, but I don't think she ever forgave me, even though I never did anything. Now that is she is gone, I wish I would have talked to her more. Explained things, because I know that she was sick from it too. She loved me, she was just clouded. So. Me the girl that never wants to hurt anyone and hurt herself more and more just so she avoided hurting another person.. well she hurt someone. Yep, the first one. I actually hurt someone bad. Someone that I really, really grew to care about. I forgot all about that girl that tried to save everyone else, I forgot about that girl that had morals and loyalty. And I hurt him. He is a good person, beautiful, beautiful person. Just like I was. Its like our souls were meant for each other. Soul mates never meant anything to me before, it was like something only in the movies. He got my jokes, he got the views that i had on things. He got my pain, even if he doesn't know that, he did. I connected with him, more than i ever have. ever. And more then I really think i ever will. He thinks that I made myself this complete other person, but I didn't, there was pretty much truth in everything I said. It is killing me to know that I have lost the one person and maybe the only person that has ever gotten ME. The deep down, deep in the soul Kayla. I hate myself for that, i seriously hate myself more then I ever thought was possible. More then the time I didn't speak up, or the one time i didn't leave after the first black eye. I hate myself more for what I did to him and I NEVER thought that was possible. I dint know what to do. I don't know what I did. I mean I am aware of what I did, but it happened so fucking fast. I know why i did it, everything was just so built up and I didn't want to be me. Everything from my childhood.. it gets to be to much for me. But this whole thing helped me figure something out .. for so long your bad childhood or bad relationships can do these things to you, make you do things that you would never do. Make you into this person, that you aren't. Even if you are a good person, these bad horrible memories eventually over power that good person. You have to put a stop to it. And Kill those bad things, with bettering yourself, and if you don't then what you are doing is using your bad childhood/relationships as an excuse. That is what they become after a while, and excuse for you not to be a better person. I learned so many things from this, and i will NEVER bring myself that low again. I will never be using that "excuse". I won't need it. I'm going to learn that I am better than all of that. If I ever get that dark again where I feel like I need to do the things i did, i will in all honestly kill myself. because I can't take the after affects of it again. I'm going to be better,for myself... for that person that I hurt... even if he isn't around to see it... and for Jess. She deserves everything. And I will never put on her what I had when I was her age. She won't have bad childhood memories... I can't handle anymore guilt. .... Maybe I'll be able to sleep again...sometime soon.
To a better Kayla... February 7th. 2008 6:21 am...
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Kayla,
My heart goes out to you, you are not alone in this world, and I want to hold out a hand of friendship. I too have been in your place with a disasterous childhood. The child within still rears her innocent head filling mine with all sorts of fears. Like you I try to ruin anything nice that happens and push hard against anything that comes close to reaching the inner me. Please hold on to the thought that you are special and the most important thing to your daughter. Get you emotions out in the open, write a diary, draw pictures, create a scrapbook..scream in an open field, anything, but don't bottle it all up and let your inner deamons win..you are better than that x take care...
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Posted by honey123
on 2008-02-07 09:13:30
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