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Luis did it again part 2
Januarary.12, 2008
Current mood: Hurt and betrayed
Today it a little better, my heart is still aching and burning and I still am crying. Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. I honestly wanted to die. Talking to a few people really helped I found out that this problem with Luis and his porn is an addiction not just because he wants it. As much as it hurts me his addiction has nothing to do with me, but my heart does not know that and continues to burn as if I were in hell. The tears continue to come and the pain has only subsided a little.
I still feel betrayed, lied to, and hurt. I know this will take time but I was hoping the tears would stop and the pain would not hurt as much. I continue to wonder his intent. He knows how much it hurts me from past episodes and yet he still did it and still married me with feeling no guilt or remorse. I feel lost the one person who I trusted with all my heart has betrayed me and lied to me ripping that heart into tiny bits of dusts that only God can render. Now I am unsure of whom I can trust and I have lost almost all trust in Luis. What kind of a man can do this again and again to the one person he “Supposedly” loves? What does he think will happen when I find out? I don’t know what to believe when he talks to me anymore, I don’t know his lies from his truth, I don’t know if his heart truly loves me, I don’t know if he honestly cares enough to fight this addiction to keep me and his son in his life.
Knowing that this is an addiction helps my mind rest only a little. Knowing that it has nothing to do with me or how I look or how Luis sees me does not help. My heart will not let go. My mind keeps putting bad images in my head and making me see things I don’t want to see. I see Luis looking at me like I am one of them, I am not his wife, I am just some hoe doing things to please him just like them. I feel unworthy for him, like he can’t look at me, I’m not sexy enough for him to want only me. I have done so much for him and am willing to do anything for him, I even tried making videos of me like the ones he watches, so he could watch those instead but no, it’s just not good enough. This has always been my insecurity and he ends up bringing it out even more.
Iknow he is not a pervert and that this is an addiction just like alcoholism, or drugs. Knowing this helps me be stronger around him. I am here to stand by my husband and help him fight this war on his addiction, I even bought a few Christian books one to help him not do this anymore and one for me as I suffer and hurt inside. I am hoping they will help I have had many men tell me that this book has really helped them so we will have to wait and see. I have handed this issue to God because the Lord knows I cannot fight this on my own any more, and only the Lord can work the insides of people. I cannot fight this pain I feel inside any more I honestly wanted to kill myself but I have too much to lose and I would rather fight this then give up.
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Posted by kate86 on 2008-01-12 16:58:01 | Rating: | Views: 107
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Sweetheart, killing yourself is not the answer as you already know. I have been through exactly the same as you are now going through. I hurt with the same pain that you do now. I honestly thought I would never get through this. Our sex life suffered because of it & we broke up a few times but my husband loves me as yours loves you & he just refused to give up when I was ready to throw the towel in, which has been many times.
Never in a thousand years did I think I would ever be writing this in advice to another woman. But if you can both just hold on you will get through this & even learn to laugh about it. It's taken me a few years to come to terms with the emotional roller coaster I've been on. But we're getting there just as you will also, just don't give up.
What your husband does is seen as a normal passtime in this world. I actually was very relieved to read your blog & see that I'm not the only woman to feel the way I do about porn.
Maybe getting some counseling would be of help. I think you maybe have to go through more yet before you begin to heal, but I really wish you the best & if you love your husband & he can prove that he is trying to stop this addiction, then with patience & understanding (which will take time) you can both get there. Stand by your values though. You never have to accept other people within your marriage.
You can message me if you need support or advice.
xx
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Posted by Haydensnana
on 2008-01-12 17:35:54
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I too know what it is like to be marrie to someone with an addicton/obsession to porn. And although, intellectually we may understand that it is a disease, like alcoholism, for some reason, the heart is slower to follow the reasoning. The heart is home to much of the anger, hurt, and fear livng with a sex addict.
The best book out there that deals with this is: Out of the Shadows, by Patrick Carnes. He also has written a book on cyber sex/internet porn addiction-Outof the Shadows of the Net, or something like that.
It helps to know that we are not alone and there are support groups for us co-addicts. S-anon. Good resource. Death is not/never the answer-AND it will NOT get the SO to achieve abstinence either.
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Posted by truebluepa
on 2008-01-29 12:59:41
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