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So yesterday was our anniversary, and I don't know why I thought things would be any different... it is just another day, but I guess I thought maybe just maybe it would be a day we both made a little extra effort to be romantic and have a nice day together.
Well D forgot, and I wasn't going to say anything, but I reminded him. So I thought maybe in his guilt he would be extra sweet. Instead he ignored me all night, and was kinda indifferent so I took our puppy for a long walk and cried to myself. Maybe I just have an unrealistic idea of what I want my life to be like. This is not it. I don't really expecxt anything grand but i guess I thought we could have a nice dinner together and maybe a little conversation.
I think the only reason I am still in this marriage is because I am scared of being alone now. I am not sure what feelings are really left inside me anymore, I am not sure if I really love him as much as I keep telling myself. I just am so confused and depressed, How can my soul mate treat me with such hate. I just don't get it? I really didn't want my marriage and life to be like this, and I don't know what to do anymore, I just feel like a zombie, going from day to day. I pray wish dream and hope that things could be normal again but I really think that there is nothing left between us anymore and the thought scares and depresses me, I have never felt so low in my entire life. The worst part is I am all ALONE. There is no one here to go through this with I have been shut out of his life, he is D (just an I now) and there really is no longer a we and I am beginning to realize there is nothing I can so or do to change things, nothing I can do to fix his emotions, to make us whole again. Maybe it is just time to pick up the peices and move on.
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Posted by jwtkwiu on 2008-08-27 14:21:50 | Rating: | Views: 72
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boy does this sound all too familiar. i'm sorry for what you are going through, it is a very hard road. i wish you the best & stay strong...
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Posted by Bullseye
on 2008-08-27 14:43:32
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You are never alone. I have lived by myself for over nine years, but never feel alone. You may feel that way given your circumstance. We can feel alone even when someone is around. We can feel alone ever when we are in a crowd. Feelings are not fact. They are feelings and only that. Feelings can be changed by the way we think. This is something I learned having to battle body dysmorphic disorder. The way I think triggers how I feel. If I think negative thoughts my feelings will most likely be negative. Marriage is hard work, but it does not mean we live our life based on what our spouse does. If our spouse is unhappy, we can still be happy. If our spouse is distant we can still be happy. We have our own life, our own dreams, and our own truths and we cannot forsake them for others. We lose ourselves if we do that. I have done that and have learned from this mistake.
A spouse makes up a portion of our life, but a spouse is not the whole of it. Don't stop living your life, your dreams because of what others do. Don't give away your identity, the very essence of who you are. We women tend to give away our identity, our hopes and dreams to others. We lose ourselves when that happens.
I have also learned that when I expect something from someone, I most often set myself up for a let down. If I need something, I have to communicate that need. Expecting it won't make it happen. When one is married, they still have individual needs that need to be met. Marriage is about communicating needs and trying to help the other get those needs met. You are unhappy and it sounds like your husband is too. Perhaps individual needs for him and for you are not being met. The only way they can be met is if they are communicated without pointing fingers. "I need this from you" but not "you do this." The "you" puts people on the defensive.
I wish you the very best in your marriage. I wish your marriage the best. Most of all I wish for you to be happy regardless of where your marriage is or where your spouse is.
May you find peace, comfort and happiness. It's in you.
Take care,
Kim
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Posted by Jesusmyvision
on 2008-08-27 14:53:51
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Well, of course there are times when you're alone; those who say you're never alone probably had invisible friends when they were kids. Even if you're never alone, it really doesn't matter, because whoever is with you when you're never alone doesn't reply to you when you talk to him; he doesn't give you any indication, whatsoever, that he's even listening to you. I know, because I'm alone all the time, since my ex-wife moved out, and never alone doesn't say shit to me, doesn't help me pay my bills, doesn't help me with the laundry, and doesn't comfort me when I lay down to sleep. Never alone is a happy horse shit fantasy, just like the Easter Bunny. The trick is to get used to it, to learn to enjoy it, and to revel in yourself (in the mean time, just fake it till you make it).
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Posted by MyGallimaufry
on 2008-08-27 19:23:02
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By the way, jwtkwiu, I feel for you. I gave your post a five star rating because your words really moved me. If you want to write to me, feel free. I'm not moving to Minnesota, so rest assured I have no ulterior motives other than to just be kind to you.
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Posted by MyGallimaufry
on 2008-08-27 19:26:55
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first of all Jesusmyvision.... Not much more to say than what you have already osted. Your words are pure wisdom...
MyGallimaufry... I understand exactly what your saying... Alone is alone, it is what you make of it that matters. Jesus makes it the best she can, as do you...
jwtkwiu...I wish I could just hug you and tell you that your loved and cared for... (I don't have to know you, to know it is the first thing you need!) Next the hardest part is to make a decision... Fight or let it go... I have had a rough patch in my marriage and I did give up! My wife did not, she clawed and fought and forced me to see th eright of my wrongs. She was committed. FOR HER, it paid off because I almost lost the best thing that ever happened to me... You now have to decide what it is your willing to do. But as Jesus just said, do not disappear into yourself, there is a world out there, you have your own interests desires and wants. Go get them... Maybe that will open his eyes. You both have to make yourselves happy before you can make eachother happy again.
And the dreaded questions that are usually always asked.... Have you tried to talk to him, just pour out your heart? Next have you asked him to go to professional marraige counseling with you?
My heart is heavy....
E
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Posted by Evetspordlaw
on 2008-08-29 11:17:41
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