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So on Sunday I decided to leave D. It was not a decision I came to lightly. It was something I have been debating, struggling with, and thinking about constantly. To give up on a marriage to me is a form of failure. But I felt that I was truly in it alone. My husband's PTSD which is causing him to have to deal with issues of anger and depression has gotten so severe I sometimes feel I am with a stranger. Not to mention that he has been turning to alcohol far more often than any man should. I realized that I was standing alone every day trying to pick up a million little fragments of our past life and peice them together for a better tomorrow. A tomorrow that never really came. D is unable to admit his faults and unable to change the pattern of his life because he is not ready to accept the extent of help he truly needs at this point. It has not only affected his emotions and daily life but every aspect of our relationship has been touched and forever altered by it.
I'd like to think and believe that I am a strong, passionate, and loving woman. Who will make the necessary sacrafices for her family. But I guess I just couldn't do it anymore. So I awoke after a night of enlightened drinkking (never usually a good thing) to tell my husband I was leaving. He seemed unfazed really. His one request was that we tell his parents together. So we called them over to talk to them. While we were waiting I called and told my dad. His parents arrived and we dropped what I felt should not been so shocking of a bomb.
To say the least the reaction from his mom was unbelievable. She instead of asking why, how, or any other questions she turned to D and said "this is it, I am taking a week off of work if I have to and we are taking your ass to get some help" D not liking this it is all your fault reaction, stood up and showed his parents just how I 'd been living for the past year. He picked up our dog's rope ball and threw it full force accross the room and broke the dvd stand, saying a few choice words as he stormed out the of the room to the back of the house. In the mean time we all averted our gazes and his mom stood up and walked outside to smoke. Leaving D's dad and I to sit by thinking now what?
Eventually we all sat and talked, his parents encouraged him to seek help as well as us to seek counseling as a couple (something in which we had already begun taking steps towards previous to my decision) They said there is too much to just throw away, all things i had said and begged D to realize at least a thousand times. But to my amazement and shock he said I want to try, I need to get more help, I need to get on some medications to help me with my stuff, I need to stop going to the bar so much. I need to put more effort in to us, Honey will you try too.... please.
How could i say no?? It amazes me how when I finally except the most shocking and horrible realization of my life, that I have to move on alone, and I need to move on and finally think of me and my mental health. This is when he is finally ready to work on us. All the trying to talk to him while he was shutting me out the tears, the beggin him to please please try.... they did nothing, and one day he finally opens his eyes and wants to try.
I just pray that maybe this is our rock bottom that things actually improve, i know yesterday was just one day, but things were better he was more like the old husband the one who actually seemed to love me.... It was unreal.
So here is to hoping that this crazy life threw me a curve ball jsut when I needed it to help us find our way back to eachother........
More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse. ~Doug Larson
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Posted by jwtkwiu on 2008-09-08 15:07:06 | Rating: | Views: 54
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