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Independence

"I'm not here for your entertainment, You don't really wanna mess w/ me tongiht! Just stop and take a second, I was fine before you walked into my life" Lyrics from - You and your hand, by Pink.

I am starting to see how self sufficient I really am. I am proud of me. I tink part of being a better person for me was realizing that I can do it on my own and I am just fine on my own. I want D in my life, but I don't need him there. It is funny how a man can come along and just flip your whole world upside down. I quickly took on what I thought was the role of the wife. I tried to make sure D got what he needed. I tried to depend on him because I thought that is what I should do. Somehow somewhere in there I think I lost me. Now I am starting to remember just who I am, which is who D fell in love with, and the pserons I was proud to be.

In my mind this is a huge step in the right direction to being happier and having a more successful marriage. I realize somewhere along the way I lost me, and I was so focused on us that I didn't really think I could be just me anymore. I was us and foucsing more on his needs and wants and how to make us do thins together so we could be happy.

It was like a rock hit me smack in the middle of the head and I realize how ridiculous it is, you can not make anything happen. It just is. I think that is what I do I try to control situations to yeild the result I desire. Which clearly is rididculous and not a very successful plan.

So as of lately I have been letting things be, letting life happen around me, and just working on making me okay with me, making me happy. I must admit it isn't always easy to change bad habbits.

I often find myself trying to make D talk about what is wrong so I can get control of the situation and try to fix it. But what I know now is he will talk when he wants to and I just need to worry about me and taking care of what I need to get through difficult situations. In the same time I can always be there for him, and be supportive, so when he is ready I am there. Letting him control. having faith that when he is ready he will come to me. :)