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It is a Friday night and I have a chance to go party my ass off. Yet all I want to do is sleep. Its 8 and I just want to go to bed. I'm exhausted and, well, just uninterested in going out. I wanted to go to the opera tonight. My friend is performing in Barber of Seville. I really wanted to see that. But, the tickets are so expensive and I'm broke! Oh well...not meant to be. Gay lover has rehearsals and has to be up early to perform on this radio show. So, we aren't going out tonight. Tomorrow night, though. That's good, though. As much as I'm in love with him, I'm not even in the mood to hang out with him. Sigh...I'm over worked. That has to be it. I work a lot! A full time job, plus a part-time job, and school. No wonder I'm burnt. Doing this is my saving grace, I think. I could just as easily write a private journal. But there’s something about righting these posts for everyone to see. Its like I'm finally able to talk to someone without judgment. I don't confide in my family and friends. I worry what they will think and more importantly I worry that they won't care...or will use it against me. I know you all don't care and that makes me happy. Today this guy wrote me this email telling me about his recent nervous break down. Actually, he is the friend of my gay lover's exboyfriend. He is in love with my gay lover's exboyfriend and started coming around when my gay lover confided in him about the rockiness of the relationship. Pretty shady. He even took me on as one of his "best friends" because I was so close to the couple and he considered them his best friend. Anyway...once the relationship ended he was Johnny on the spot next to the exboyfriend. Pushing me out of the way and shunning gay lover. I never trusted him. Although he is very much a Christian...I don't know its like...I just never felt at ease around him. Then when the breakup happened I really felt like he abused the opportunity. He completely occupied exboyfriend's time not really allowing anyone else to be there for him. The he turned around and said no one was there for the exboyfriend and that gay lover had me and clingy friend. This wasn't true! I was there for them both. I loved them both and still do. Granted gay lover more than exboyfriend. But, I was there until...we'll call him opportunity guy...took over. Anyway...in his email he gave me his sob story about his depression and how he had a break down a week ago. I hadn't heard from this guy since the day before the break-up. He claims he hadn't been in touch because of his depression though...I know why he hadn't been in touch with me and quite frankly I could careless. I don't want to sound like a bitch who doesn't care about him hurting but...well...he writes this long story about his past and different things and that he is happy he has come to terms with his depression, etc., etc. Then he justifies to me why he was there for exboyfriend. He tells me because exboyfriend had no one. A nice little dig at the end of the sob story, which prevented me from lashing back at him. Exboyfriend had no one but him. He came to exboyfriend's rescue because no one was there for him not even his best friend...we'll call him Blondie. Blondie who was there immediately after me and constantly wanting to take him out and help him...but exboyfriend wasn't ever available because opportunity guy was always there. Since opportunity guy have taken over exboyfriend's life, exboyfriend acts really distant...not wanting to be sucked into opportunity guy's bullshit and yet being carefully just incase I am completely wrong about this guy and he truly is depressed...I emailed him back and gave him sympathy. Knowing he is a Christian, I wrote him in a very spiritual way. A way that I understand based on my own relationship with God. I did speak from my heart because he could be truly suffering and I don't want to walk away from an opportunity to help if that is what God wants me to do. Yet...I still do not trust this guy. In my note I told him that God will help him. That God knows exactly how he feels and what he says, thinks, and do. This, I must admit, was a little...something to let him know...if he had ulterior motive in telling me his sob story...that he will not get away with any kind of lying or manipulating he might be doing. I know he read it because I put a little return receipt thingy on the email. He never replied. Hmmm...hmmm...wonder what he just revealed to me by this action...I'm not going to worry about it or even care! I do love exboyfriend but gay lover was my friend first and I'm in love with him. If exboyfriend is stupid enough to buy whatever opportunity guy is selling then that is his business. I wouldn't want to lose his friendship, however. But, that's for God to decide. Just like everything else. |
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Posted by jw on 2008-02-16 01:22:58 | Rating: | Views: 41
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Do you really want no one to respond to all this? It's not just babble. I am getting pictures in my head, so it can't be just babble. I am picturing theater people...people in spandex costumes on a dark stage...one who has a school bag with her as she juggles all the sides of life...why so much? Is it all necessary? Chasing a dream?
At least here you didn't obsess about the one person:P Now, there's a colorful drag posse:P heh. La Cage Falls or however you spell it. I first decided to look at your work when I saw the Barber of Seville...I love that old Bugs Bunny cartoon!:P jk
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Posted by brainstormer
on 2008-02-16 03:00:39
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